FULL TILT POKER BLOG

#274 – Tail of the Million Dollar Dog

Posted by Editor | Filed under Uncategorized

I think it’s time our West Highland White Terrier, Harpo, got a job. He’s been a wonderful dog, as sweet a companion as you can imagine, but he costs more than a car. [Upon reading this to my daughter Valerie, she remarked, “He doesn’t cost more than a car. He costs more than a HOUSE!”] We nicknamed him “the million dollar dog” even before the events of October; he had major intestinal surgery a couple years ago and suffers from allergies that require that he eat prescription dog food and periodically get expensive medicines and treatments.

In early October, he started walking on three legs, keeping his right rear paw off the ground. We took him to the veterinarian, where he has a file as thick as Sinatra’s with the FBI. The vet couldn’t find anything but in manipulating his joints thought that maybe he had some kind of hip ailment. She recommended a battery of X-rays, which would require that he be sedated. “And because he needs to be sedated to get his teeth cleaned, we can do that too.”

The hip ailment sounded way too pricey and not even the cause of why he wasn’t walking right. The teeth cleaning just seemed like piling on. Because he’s always licking his paws and they looked red and raw, I asked that we try treating him with antibiotics. Maybe we’ll do that sedation hip/teeth thing later.

I should consider becoming a vet. His paws started looking better and, after several days, it looked like he was walking normally. On the evening of October 11, Jo Anne called me away from the Midnight Madness tournament to tell me she let Harpo in from the backyard and he didn’t seem right. His tail, a great barometer for his health, was uncharacteristically down. And she tried examining his head and he yelped. I took a look and noticed drops of blood on the floor of the kitchen.

We took him to the emergency-room vet. (I was anted out of the Midnight Madness, though I finished higher than in 9 other efforts in the tournament in October.) Harpo, the vet surmised, had been attacked by a coyote in our backyard. He had puncture wounds on his neck, one of which hit his trachea, and a bite mark above his ear. He needed immediate surgery, pain medication, antibiotics, and, because he couldn’t eat or drink, intravenous feeding and fluids.

At 7 AM, we had to pick him up from the ER vet and take him to our regular vet. At 5 PM, we had to return him to the ER. The next morning at 7, back to the regular vet. When we brought him back home for good on Friday night, he still hadn’t eaten or drunk on his own. He had sutures, a drainage tube sticking out of his neck, and between the dried blood and other fluids and the extensive areas they had to shave, he looked pretty ravaged.

Getting him to eat and drink was essential. He couldn’t eat his regular (expensive) prescription dry dog food. We had to find something soft that he would be motivated to eat. Naturally, that ended up being an expensive cut of beef mixed with rice. But he gobbled it up and started drinking as well.

Harpo was going to live!

And live well: he was now officially eating better than our children. In addition, because we were concerned about a coyote who could apparently get into our backyard and we couldn’t let him roam for a couple hours at a time, he turned our bedroom into his toilet.

But the million dollar dog recovered, both his health and the control of his bodily functions. Then came the ear infection.

Ear infections are pretty common for Harpo, but this was bad enough that his tail was down and we could even smell it. The vet declared this the worst ear infection she had ever seen. To clean out the infected area, she had to sedate him. (“Oh, and we can clean his teeth while we’re at it!”) We’re only two of the three treatments through getting that ear fixed up, but while they were looking for other sources of income, they found a foxtail in his right rear paw.

[I should note here that even if it sounds like I’m making fun of the army conscripted to protect our dog’s health, Harpo is alive only because of their efforts. They deserve every jet-ski, every townhouse in Mayfair, every Mercedes.]

Meanwhile, the dog is fine, though why shouldn’t he be? He gets better medical care than the children of presidents. But it’s time the gravy train comes to an end – or he starts eating Gravy Train dog food instead of 94%-lean ground beef twice a day. Harpo should get a job.

Our family is agreed that there’s only one job that’s right for Harpo. He should be the host of a reality television show. It will be called THE MILLION DOLLAR DOG and will feature both the daily life of the world’s most cared-for dog, plus the rich life we imagine he lives while we’re gone during the day.

If Kathy Griffin can win an Emmy for MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST, I think Harpo’s MILLION DOLLAR DOG is a cinch for success.

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