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Last week, a friend of the blog named Josh sent me an e-mail congratulating me on a recent score and updating me on his play. He asked this question, which I receive pretty often:

How does your wife perceive you playing poker? Ever have any fights because of you playing too much? My girlfriend is not very accommodating. After ten years of dating different people, I’ve finally found someone that I want to marry. But if I even take one night of the week to play a full nightly schedule, she gets offended; we’ve never had an outward fight about it, she just gets passive aggressive. She thinks it’s just gambling, even though I’ve shown her my results. While I’m not a superstar, my ROI is between 20-50% depending on the type of game. Suggestions?

The thing that really amazes me about this question is that I’ve never written about it before. I mean, I’ve been writing this Blog more than two years, over 670 entries. It’s longer than a Russian novel, yet I’ve never discussed integrating poker with my family life? I’ve written about Jo Anne’s wife’s fight against breast cancer, the theft of her purse, her disputes with the Arizona Traffic Patrol, and generally what a pain-in-the-ass I am to have as a marriage partner, but I’ve never written about how she handles my playing poker day and night?

Wow.

I wrote Josh a detailed response to his inquiry, which he suggested I make into a blog. (Lady, if you’re reading this, this guy’s a keeper.)

Incidentally, by talking about “the wife issue” or “the girlfriend issue”, I don’t intend to express or imply any sexism. I can write only about my own experience, which probably applies to many people in similar situations or both genders – but may not apply at all to some people. My intention is for my explanations to apply to both male and female players. (For that matter, I hope this applies equally to same-sex relationships.) But everyone’s situation is in some ways unique and if I completely missed the boat somehow, please let me know in the comments or by e-mail to mrchaotic@aol.com.

This, in essence, was my response to Josh, edited and augmented because of further thinking about the subject:

Jo Anne has been an extraordinarily patient and understanding person for the entirety of our marriage. Believe me, my poker isn’t the biggest weirdness she’s had to put up with.

When I treated poker as a hobby – in the early Nineties when I would take frequent trips to Vegas to play or extend business trips to the west coast to include stops at LA and LV poker rooms, as well as when I started playing again in 2003 – she was supportive, as she always is, and gave me some space, which she always does. But I’m sure she had some of the same impulses as if I was pursuing any hobby that takes time and costs money such as, say, collecting autographed baseballs (which was once a hobby of mine): Is it going to take time away from me? Is it going to cost money (that could be spent on me/food/rent/etc.)? Then add in that it’s (a) “gambling” and (b) an open-ended activity (so that, unlike going to a baseball-memorabilia show, it could start up at any time and last for an indeterminate amount of time).
 
Here is some advice: If you really confine poker to one night, you have to help her realize she’s being unreasonable. I assume that part of your relationship is a healthy respect for some distance and independence. Does she have similar hobbies or interests? Aren’t you understanding of them? Are there things about which you COULD be similarly unreasonable about but aren’t, that you could point out (in a nice way)? Here’s another way you could explain it: “Would you have a problem if I played poker once a week with my friends? I enjoy the intellectual challenge of taking peoples’ money but I don’t like to do that to my friends. I enjoy it a lot more with random strangers.”
 
It would also be good if you could set some boundaries. If you limit poker to a set time, you’ve already done most of what you can do. But also try to make the financial parameters clear: “I have $XXX in my account online. Let me explain to you how, in the games I play, how extremely unlikely I am to even lose that. [Explain your max. bankroll exposure per session, and how you play lower if that exposure drops below a certain percentage of bankroll. By the way, if you DON'T follow those guidelines, that could be part of the problem.] And it’s not like I have the opportunity to lose more than that. I can’t play with more than I have in my account and, based on the current credit-card company practices, it’s very difficult to deposit more.” Maybe include in the explanation any bankroll you have outside the online-account, how any poker expenses or redeposits have to come out of that.

Or that you will set aside no more than regular nominal amounts – a few percent of your regular income – into a future poker expense account, which will be the source of any future deposits and live tournaments or poker-related expenses. Conversely, once you spend poker profits (hopefully on something together – see Part II), that money is gone for good. It’s not fair to expect your partner to let you finance five-$500 deposits because you keep reminding her, “I bought you that iPod last year from my poker profits.”

By the way, having and keeping these kinds of rules will make you a better player. If your account has fallen, say, from $1,000 to $200, you’re more likely to try grinding your way back up than blowing it all on a Hail-Mary-stab at a bigger game or tournament. You’ll learn patience and responsibility, things that are hard to get out of any poker manual and hard to master when there’s no downside to going on a bender, blowing the last of your money, and simply redepositing.

Look to this space tomorrow for the conclusion of this essay, including recommended reading, bribery, and stereotypes in the “poker relationship” that you ignore at your peril.

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2 Responses to “#671 – The Wife Issue, Part I”

1. Talkeetna Mike Says:
   February 17th, 2009 at 8:15 pm

   Mike

   How do you stand year to date – Cash Games versus Tournaments or are you just a tournament specialist

2. Sharon deVault Says:
   February 18th, 2009 at 12:04 am

   I wanted to tell you that I had that I so appreciate your willingness to hold a conversation with a online player. I also wanted to comment on your blog good solid advice that I am going to use with my husband he has times where he gets upset about my game because of the no set time.

   Chat with you again soon I hope
   Sharon

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