FULL TILT POKER BLOG

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Read the second chapter in Anthony Holden’s BIG DEAL about how he segregated his poker bankroll from his other money to keep financially responsible, and how the Moll understood. In fact, the Moll was, like Jo Anne, an extremely understanding person, which naturally makes the task easier. But at the same time, it’s easy to abuse the people in our lives who are the MOST understanding, because we expect them to understand, which is just a short distance from taking them for granted. What Holden did – and what I’ve always tried to do – is reward that understanding by being conscious of what someone without that understanding would think, and provide explanations/procedures/limits/protections in advance of Jo Anne getting worried or suspicious or angry. (Incidentally, for years before I knew Tony Holden, I just assumed the character of the Moll was some kind of composite for the ideal quantities in a woman. I’m pleased to report that not only is the Moll flesh-and-blood, but I was smitten with her the instant we met.)
 
Finally, bring your partner in on the team. Do something concrete WITH her with your profits – either profits accumulated so far or some kind of future promise. You don’t want her being possessive about the money (e.g., Why didn’t you win last night? Does this mean we can’t go on the cruise? If you’re really a winning player, how come you’ve had five losing sessions in a row?), but you want her pulling for you, understanding the big picture. At the same time, you don’t want to create a situation where you’re feeling added pressure to win because you need to “show” her. So handle this part carefully, but give her the opportunity to see how you both win when YOU win.

Just about every stereotypical means of handing this issue is likely to make things worse. Let’s learn from our forefathers (and for-euncles … and fore-friends). Here are some things to avoid:

(1) Don’t insist that she watch you play. Poker can be boring to watch, and it almost automatically is if you insist someone watch. That’ll only make it worse. Also, if you pick a bad session, she won’t have anything to measure it against and you’re not doing anybody any favors.

(2) At the same time, don’t go Michael Corleone on her. (“Kay, I told you. Don’t ever ask me about my business.”) If she wants to watch, let her and explain your play. Jo Anne’s interest helped me communicate to her the difference between “gambling” and “risk-taking” as well as what I did skillfully at poker – and the effect of randomness on short-term results.

(3) Don’t lie. Unless your chief criterion for chosing a life partner is finding someone stupid, they’ll figure it out. And that’s worse becasue they’ll assume that what you’re covering up must be really bad. It’s like the standard old story, where the husband comes home from poker with the boys and tells his wife he broke even. “How is it,” she asks, “you all tell us that five of you broke even and one of you made fifty bucks? How is that possible?”

(4) Don’t mindlessly combine poker with your social life. For example, if you’re promising to share a weekend getaway to Vegas, make sure that’s the sort of thing she wants to do. And if it is, don’t pick the first weekend of the World Series. In fact, the ideal thing is if you don’t play poker at all. Otherwise, you’re going to looking at your watch all through dinner, feigning yawns through the show, and then rushing your woman off to bed so you can play. And while you’re playing, you’re going to be watching the clock for when you told her you were going to join her at the gym, or how you’re stuck and up all night and now a wreck for activities you planned for the next day.

If you come to Vegas – or some other gambling resort – with the idea of playing any poker, it has to be with the idea (on your part and any person with whom you are traveling) that “I gotta play because I’m winning and the game’s good” and “I gotta play because the game’s good and I’m losing” trump all show plans, shopping trips, dinner reservations, and spa appointments. Otherwise, you won’t play your best and you won’t be especially good company when you’re away from the table.

My final advice is to treat poker like a job. This doesn’t apply to most people, but if it really is your job, your partner doesn’t have to like it. They just have to accept it as your job. That means you need to make money from poker and use that money to pay your way through life. Jo Anne warmed up to the idea that I was spending so much time playing when she saw I was making money at it, but it was even more meaningful when I started taking money out of my poker account not just for future expenses and fun things but for bills. Although my “other job” writing about poker overlaps with my playing (which both encourages and requires Jo Anne to be understanding about my relationship with poker), my last major publishing project was completed in June 2007. Since then, I’ve done most of my work, and made most of my money, playing poker. Poker pays our bills and, because it doesn’t always have me working a “regular” schedule, it requires her to make some sacrifices, but also requires me to take advantage of that flexibility for her and the family’s benefit.

This isn’t necessarily my idea of an ideal arrangement for the indefinite future. I’d probably rather do more writing and less poker playing. But while I’m making money playing poker – and haven’t made any headway on my next major publishing project (which almost certainly WON’T be about poker) – we’re making it work. Like I said, it’s not the screwiest thing Jo Anne has ever had to do with from me.

In summary, this is my advice:

(1) Find a person who already understands your interest in poker.
(2) Help them understand why you enjoy poker as a hobby.
(3) Limit (and structure) time spent on poker.
(4) Impose and explain financial limits and results.
(5) Enjoy the benefits together.
(6) Read Chapter 2 of Anthony Holden’s BIG DEAL.
(7) Trash the stereotypes.
(8) Make poker your job.

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One Response to “#672 – The Wife Issue, Part II”

1. carycarwyn poker Says:
   March 18th, 2009 at 9:33 pm

   Like a great game of poker, knowing when to “Hold Em” and when to “Fold Em” is a great phenomenon to some of us. Our lives and loves are much like a game of poker.

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