FULL TILT POKER BLOG

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[Remember my Relay For Life charity tournament Sunday at 18:00 ET. It's listed under the private tournaments and the password is "relay".]

On Tuesday, I decided I needed to go to Las Vegas. There was too much happening at the WPT Championship to sit around doing nothing three hundred miles away. In addition, I needed to do some serious advance work for the WSOP. There are issues involving playing, hiring assistants, and renting a place to stay. Most important, I had to assess the condition of the town. In this economic climate, what kind of World Series could we expect?

On this trip, I had a companion, about whom I had mixed feelings. His name was Kevin, but he insisted that I call him “Keevo.” Apparently, Keevo was his college nickname. He was traveling with me because he was a college buddy of Uncle Tilty’s nephew, and I was considering hiring him as my assistant during the World Series. I’m so happy that Full Tilt is even considering giving me some help I’ll do anything I can to seal the deal, even though Keevo and I didn’t exactly hit it off.

The first job I gave him on the drive to Vegas was figuring out how to get WPT updates from the road. My initial suggestion was to have him call someone with internet access, have them check the WPT website, and tell us what it said. I also had a really advanced idea, which was to use my wireless access card and start my notebook computer from the car and get updates that way.

Both plans were short-circuited by Keevo leaving my computer, wireless card, and cell phone behind in Scottsdale. Specifically, he left the backpack they were in – my backpack – on the roof of my car.

Because I couldn’t find out how Day 3 of the WPT Championship was progressing, it was imperative that we get to Vegas before play ended. Keevo offered to redeem himself by taking over the driving, which would get us to Las Vegas more quickly. Specifically, he said, “You drive like my grandma.”

He took over behind the wheel in Wikieup. Wikieup, which is about as large as it sounds, is located about half way between Scottsdale and Las Vegas. At the gas station there, we switched drivers and I made a collect call to Jo Anne to have her retrieve the backpack from our driveway and assess the damage. Miraculously, my equipment was intact. When I told Keevo, instead of being relieved, he said, “See? It was no big deal. Can you finally get your panties out of your crack over this?”

True to his word, Keevo drove at speeds I never dared on a public highway. But after just 35 miles, around the time we got on I-40, Keevo started complaining that we needed to get gas. We had more than half a tank, and he had no problem with the fuel level when we were at the gas station in Wikieup. For some reason, he was suddenly obsessed with stopping to fill up the tank.

Kingman, which was just 25 miles up the road – about 10 minutes away, as Keevo was driving – had dozens of gas stations right on the road, but Keevo couldn’t wait. He pulled off at Exit 66, home to one of those gigantic truck stop/gas station/restaurants. The “travel store” was festooned with a giant banner advertising a 12-ounce rib-eye steak for $9.99. The three-foot tall piece of meat on the banner was gray and, to quote Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack, “I could still see the marks from where the jockey was whipping it.”

Keevo didn’t make a move for the rib-eye, but he loaded up on Skoal and Copenhagen, even offering to buy me a can. I turned him down, but reciprocated by offering to buy him something from the largest beef jerky display that I have ever seen. He picked out something called “the Ox,” which weighed more than a car battery and cost $30. I saw Keevo periodically gnawing on this manhole cover during our time in Las Vegas. (But I can’t complain about the cost. As much as he chewed at the thing, it never got any smaller.)

After I finished pumping the gas, I sat in the car waiting for Keevo, who said he had to use the bathroom. I waited … and waited. After about 20 minutes, I made a circuit of the store and surrounding area, first by foot and then in my car. After almost 45 minutes, I caught up with Keevo as he was coming out of the “Adult Boutique” a couple hundred feet up a dirt road.

To say I was angry would be an understatement. It didn’t help that he was babbling about the number of incredible deals that he got on old copies of High Society. He offered to make it up to me by sharing from his cache of bargain VHS tapes. They were selling at unbelievably low prices because, not only had VHS been replaced by DVD in the adult market but the labels had been torn off these particular videos.

Keevo acted insulted when I turned him down. “C’mon broheim, they were three bucks apiece.”

I told him I didn’t think that was necessarily a bargain. “They have no labels, I don’t own a VHS player, and they’re making the car smell like the inside of a taxicab.”

“Don’t be a douche bag. You could still take them and give them as gifts.”

We didn’t talk the rest of the way to Vegas and we missed the end of Day 3 of the WPT Championship. I was not pleased and, nepotism or not, it was an inauspicious start for Keevo.

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2 Responses to “#733 – This is Where I Came In, Part IV – In the Mobile Bunker with Keevo”

1. Cotty9 Says:
   April 26th, 2009 at 10:35 am

   If you are trying to go from poker blogger to blog-up comedian this entry is a great start. Pure gold. I just hope this nutbar doesn’t drive you crazy as your reports are great and sadly 2009 will be the 5th Series without Andy Glazer.

2. Miz3nart Says:
   April 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm

   Hey I was playing @ a table with u today. Made some standard shoves and got flamed for winning a 66-33 lol. Saw you shove with the 22, you had the donks moaning

   Nice playing with u

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