FULL TILT POKER BLOG

#855 – Calling Chris Ferguson

Posted by Editor | Filed under Uncategorized

Sorry my blog entries have been so sporadic over the last few weeks. It seems everybody, including me, has been on summer vacation. It appears that, though I will be covering the November Nine, I am not in Cyprus for the WPT event and I am probably not going to London. I will be discussing the status and future plans for the blog – that include a number of new and exciting changes – with Uncle Tilty, as soon as later this week.

In the meantime, this limbo has given me the unexpected luxury of free time at home with my family. Instead of the international flights and intrigue of the last two years, I got to enjoy a cigar with my son Barry in the backyard last night.

On the other hand, idleness breads mischief. I don’t know how the subject came up but my son informed me that he learned from his college buddies about a website where you can buy throwing knives that look like playing cards. Naturally, I had to check it out.

The website is called “Brass Knuckles” and its catalog is something of a riddle. The prices are low and the descriptions are light-hearted and humorous. But there is an undeniable tone of menace and mayhem just beneath the surface. I found the throwing cards and several items featuring pens. Pens and poker? What could be more attractive to me?

For $11.95 I could acquire a “Pepper Bloc Pen.” It looks like a pen but when you take off the cap, there is a pepper-spray nozzle. “Projects 8 to 10 feet. Ballistic Stream Delivery – Reduces Wind Blow-Back. Contains Approximately 25 Bursts.”

Being a collector of expensive pens, my eyes were naturally drawn to the $199.99 number, the “Deluxe Spy Pen Camcorder”. This handy device is a pen AND a digital video recorder. The catalog provides the following tip: “When negotiating with your boss or client you can ‘accidently’ leave this pen behind when you leave the office and return 20 minutes later claiming to have simply forgotten your pen. You can then review the video and audio to find out what they really think of you.”

It all seemed kind of whimsical and humorous until I saw the item (ironically) called the “Anti-Terrorist Pen Knife”. For just $7.88 it seemed hard to say no, until I read the description: “In a post-9/11 world your travel security is ultimately your own responsibility. But with metal detectors and x-ray machines, most conventional self-defense weapons cannot be easily carried while traveling. If you are a person concerned with your personal security and also aware of the need for a discreet solution, then look no further. Our pen knife actually writes and easily passes through metal detector security checkpoints by riding along with your keys and wallet in the basket that travels around the metal detectors.” Coming as it does with specific instructions on how to evade airport security and metal detectors, it seems much more likely to have a PRO-terrorist impact, if you ask me.

Leafing through the other catalog entries, I developed a clear understanding of the site’s target demographic. There were endless lock-picking tools and the “literature” section included a book called “The Criminal Defendant’s Bible.”

So even though I found the “’4 of a Kind’ Throwing Cards” I think I am going to pass. Still, I have to compliment them on their product description. “Your opponent with [will?] always lose his hand when you have ‘4 of a Kind’ Throwing Cards! (Actual card size throwers. Set of 4 sharp edged stainless steel throwers that are actual playing card size. Includes nylon sheath.)”

Even though the price was right at $16.50, I’m too paranoid to own or even order such an item. The only person who could conceivably purchase the throwing cards and not raise suspicion as a violent crackpot is Chris Ferguson. And Chris would never order such an item, for fear of being suspected as a violent crackpot. For that matter, if I ordered a set and gave them to Chris as a gift he would probably think I was a violent crack pot. He might not even be wrong.

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