#917 – If I Had a Conscience, I’d Send These Guys Five Bucks

[Please sign up for my Relay For Life charity tournament on Full Tilt. It starts just a few hours from when I posted this, at 18:00 ET, Sunday, November 22. It's in the Private Tournament listings, $5 + $5 NLHE, 10 red pros already signed up to play, all rake going to the American Cancer Society. The password is "relay".]

I have a couple of hard-and-fast rules governing my cyber-behavior. The first is not to lend or give out money to strangers. The second is not to respond when they ask. A third, vaguely related, rule is to be very careful about letting people use me or Full Tilt or my contacts or my good nature – okay, my “naive nature” – for commercial purposes. Even though these rules seem pretty simple, I don’t take them for granted. And now I’m thinking about the benefits of becoming a complete sucker and abandoning them altogether.

But before you plead with me to give you money to play an online tournament in ten minutes or to invest in your vitamin cult or share Andy Beal’s personal e-mail address because you have to give him vital information, read on.

Just about every sane person on the internet follows those three rules, though I don’t take them as iron-clad assumptions. Of course, I presumed from the start that I wouldn’t loan someone five bucks just because they asked. But I have occasionally thought of saying yes, just because it would be interesting to find out what my subsequent relationship would be with the “borrower.” If I placed a condition on them sending me an e-mail, would they ignore my follow-up e-mails? If I pleaded THEM from the rail to pay me back, what would happen?

I quickly realized it would be extremely frustrating. And once word got out that I succumbed to an online beggar even once, I’d be inundated even more than I already am.

My second, rule, however, about ignoring cyber-beggars, developed only after long and painful experience. It’s difficult for me to ignore people online. I enjoy communicating. It’s partly my job, partly my avocation, and partly my pleasure. Even chatting with someone begging for money can be enjoyable to me, especially when the exchange gives me an opportunity to flex my wit – and that can almost always be the case.

A few years ago, when people on Full Tilt asked me for money, I would turn them down, but I’d be polite. And if they persisted, I would respond tongue-in-cheek. A shocking percentage of the time, the people became nasty. If I would do something like decline and give a simple reason – like I don’t have enough money in my account to say yes to everyone – I’d find myself deluged with insulting responses. Not only would they belittle my reasoning, but by this time they toss in that I was a rotten fat faggot jew poker player. And then they wouldn’t leave.

Better, I quickly learned, to ignore the requests for money altogether. Even then, some people would get angry at being ignored and channel Glenn-Close-Fatal-Attraction-quality indignation. But that beat my previous no-win strategy of politely engaging such people.

By now, I’ve been good at spotting solicitations a mile away. (I’m not really patting myself on the back here. For the money of times I’ve gotten hit up for money, Helen Keller would have been able to figure it out by now.) Generally, I’ll chat with anyone while I’m playing, but I try to steer clear of the money-grubbers. Very rarely will they start by directly asking for money. Usually, they try to engage me first, as if I’m “trapped” once I acknowledge them.

They’ll say “Mike” or “Craig”. No question or comment or point. Just calling out my name to get my attention. Then they will ask something vague and irrelevant, like “how’s it going?” Even though I’ll chat with just about anybody, about nearly any subject, it’s so silly to ask someone playing online poker “how’s it going?” that I know 95% of the time they are next going to (a) compliment me on being a great player, (b) ask me for money, or (c) compliment me on being a great player and ask me for money.

Today, a railbird followed the schematic exactly, but something about it all was so funny that I couldn’t follow my policy of ignoring him. I didn’t give him money, but the entertainment value, in my mind, was worth at least five bucks.

runninhouse247 (Observer): hey mike

Michael Craig: hello

runninhouse247 (Observer): how u doin today

runninhouse247 (Observer): u have rally been playing good

runninhouse247 (Observer): and now becomeing one of my favorite players to watch

Michael Craig: thx

runninhouse247 (Observer): np

runninhouse247 (Observer): wanna do me a favor?

runninhouse247 (Observer): please

Michael Craig: not especially.

runninhouse247 (Observer): just transfer me $5 so i can play a tourny with my brother

runninhouse247 (Observer): he just got home from iraq

runninhouse247 (Observer): he was there 8 months

runninhouse247 (Observer): please

runninhouse247 (Observer): mike please

runninhouse247 (Observer): the america people r getting very rude

runninhouse247 (Observer): he is fighting for u an u cant spare 5 bucks

runninhouse247 (Observer): will u then please

runninhouse247 (Observer): will someone its 5 bucks

runninhouse247 (Observer): please

cheendog101273 (Observer): lol

runninhouse247 (Observer): cheen will u

cheendog101273 (Observer): just put money on the computer

runninhouse247 (Observer): my bank doesnt open till monday

runninhouse247 (Observer): i have to deposit it

cheendog101273 (Observer): well wait its 1 day

runninhouse247 (Observer): ill pay u back

runninhouse247 (Observer): will u cheen

cheendog101273 (Observer): dude i only got like 225

runninhouse247 (Observer): please dude

cheendog101273 (Observer): im down a couple hundred i cant

runninhouse247 (Observer): its only 5 bucks

runninhouse247 (Observer): u will still have 220

runninhouse247 (Observer): ill pay u it back tomorrow

cheendog101273 (Observer): just wait its 1 day

runninhouse247 (Observer): my brother is going out of state tomorrow

Michael Craig: back to Iraq?

cheendog101273 (Observer): lol

cheendog101273 (Observer): funny one mike

runninhouse247 (Observer): he doesnt go back till around feb

Michael Craig: to some state where they don’t have Full Tilt or the internet?

runninhouse247 (Observer): just someone please

runninhouse247 (Observer): ill pay it back

runninhouse247 (Observer): very rude mike

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