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Posted by Editor | Filed under Roland de Wolfe, Weight Loss

Last Thursday, Shauna and I drove from Scottsdale to Tucson to have lunch with Roland de Wolfe. Roland was staying at the Canyon Ranch health spa with his friend Bryan. Considering Arizona’s normally excellent weather, the thunderstorm on the trip out and the windstorm on the way back were very unusual. But probably not as unusual as spending a random couple of hours with Roland de Wolfe. In contrast to the rotten weather, however, the surprises from encountering Roland and his world were most enjoyable.

Canyon Ranch is a famous spa resort in Tucson, founded in 1979 on the idea of coupling physical and spiritual health in a serene setting. The resort is located in the Catalina Foothills outside Tucson, and the same owners have opened luxury resorts in the Berkshires and Miami. (There are no Canyon Ranch spas at the Venetian and several top-of-the-line cruise ships, and a line of Canyon Ranch health-related products.)

It’s the kind of place where any random conversation is likely to feature the terms “healthy living,” “mindfulness,” and “wellness.” It’s super high-end, but because of the focus on health and serenity, it’s rustic, reserved, and understated. Alcohol is not served, cell phones are discouraged, and people even rarely talk loud.

Canyon Ranch is literally the last place I expected to meet up with Roland de Wolfe.

Shauna and I met Roland and his friend Bryan (fellow poker player, Chinese Poker enthusiast, and all-around good-natured degenerate gambler) in the clubhouse. I forgot that a lot of people go to Canyon Ranch to lose weight. Not coincidentally, Roland has six figures of weight bets outstanding. He needs to get down to 200 lbs by (I think) the end of March. He now weighs “220” (according to Roland) or “230-something” (according to Bryan). We then enjoyed a two-hour lunch.

I guess I should qualify my use of the term “enjoy”. Roland and I both have weight bets (though not with each other – I’ll explain how I landed a weight bet later this week!) and Bryan referred to the resort as “fat camp” so I’m not sure how much enjoying of the food went on. But it was a delightful time.

Naturally, we started by talking about weight bets. Roland explained why he didn’t want to bet with me – I think he was complimenting me but you can never be sure with de Wolfe. He thought I had great potential, especially if we were talking about huge amounts of money and weight. Eerily mimicking Ted Forrest, Roland felt confident that I could drop a big number if I “went away for a bit.” Shauna and I both cracked up at this reference and meant to ask Roland (as I had meant to ask Ted) where exactly I would go away TO and what would happen in this place. But we got carried off by all the other directions of the conversation and it remains a mystery.

Mostly, we learned about Chinese Poker. Bryan was a very nice guy – humorous, intelligent, a good listener – and a good traveling companion for Roland. Mostly, however, he was equally addicted to Chinese Poker, so he gave Roland a reason to continue living without food. As a result, the pair turned this oasis of New Age living into a Chinese Poker Room.

They played Chinese Poker during lunch. They played Chinese Poker after lunch. They played Chinese Poker until we were the only people left in the restaurant. They played Chinese Poker while the staff was mopping the floor. They played Chinese Poker after the floor had dried. They played Chinese Poker until the moment we left.

They would be playing Chinese Poker still if Roland didn’t have a three o’clock appointment for “Wally ball.” (I’m not sure if Roland meant volleyball or something like volleyball that was played using a wall. He used the expression several times, laughed each time he used it, and left me with the impression that if I asked for clarification, I would get none. When I spend time with Roland de Wolfe, I am constantly reminded of the famous George Bernard Shaw quote: “America and England – two countries separated by a common language.”)

Bryan also had a three o’clock appointment with the nutritionist. We could tell that he would have much rather play Chinese Poker but it was apparently part of the health regiment for which  he was required to sign up when doing Roland the favor of keeping him company this week. Also required: having blood taken (almost against his will), eating practically nothing, and translating Roland’s nuanced, accented, mumbled version of the English language to other guests and the Canyon Ranch staff. For these reasons, I believe Bryan took extra pleasure in trouncing de Wolfe at Chinese poker.

When I mentioned that I had hoped, during this trip, to learn Chinese Poker, I found the only matter on which the two agreed. Roland: “I’m a terrible Chine Poker player.” Bryan: “He’s the worst.” Throughout the meal/meeting/game, they kept bringing up examples, like huge amounts de Wolfe had lost at different times. Bryan also reminded Roland of how the OTHER worst Chinese Poker player in the world (a guy who supposedly lost $2 million over a period of several months) offered to PAY Roland to play him. Roland reminded his friend, “Yeah, but you said you’d take a piece of me.” “Only a small piece,” replied Bryan.

Roland and Bryan were playing two hands apiece, so Roland let me take a crack at setting his second hand while he set the first. Shauna did a little of the same with Bryan, though she mostly watched how he set the hands.

I also got my first poker nickname. Bryan was administering a beating when I left to use the restroom. When I returned, Roland said, “We’ll see if I’m able to continue my comeback with ‘the Jinx’ here.”

The Jinx, huh? Well, it’s not as catchy “Dolly” or “Jesus” or “the Mouth”, but its start.

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2 Responses to “#953 – Roland de Wolfe vs. Canyon Ranch Spa”

1. Mark Says:
   January 26th, 2010 at 1:09 am

   Michael,
   Wallyball is a version of volleyball played in a racquetball court. A net is strung across at midcourt and the walls are in play.
   Cheers,
   -Mark

2. Ratsan 1941 Says:
   January 28th, 2010 at 2:20 pm

   I was thinking “Hooverball” which is the version played on a vollyball court, but with a medicine ball tossed and caught.

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