Heads Up: Clonie Gowen Versus Thomas Wahlroos

According to The Hendon Mob database, Clonie has just over $700K is career earnings. Although the Mob is hardly ever wrong, something feels off about this one. I’m going to put Clonie at around $1 million in career earnings, you know, cause I’m a nice guy and all.

Over $1 million in career earnings.

Well, the numbers don’t lie. Unless, of course, they’re some kind of super intelligent numbers with the capacity for the sort of devilish deceit known only to this brand of being that we call human. Which is the really long-winded way to say Wahlroos 1, Gowen 0.

None, unless you count winning the WPT Ladies’ Night event in 2003 as a “major title” (because we sure don’t).

Also nada de nada.

I thought about making this one a tie, but ties are just really boring. We’ll give Clonie a tenth of a major title point for her Ladies’ Night victory, thus tying (damn it!) the score at 1 apiece.

Excellent tourney player – she’s got the skillz to pay the billz (cringing).

Although he’s just getting started in his poker career, Wahlroos has already proven he’s a force to be reckoned with in any tournament. Unfortunately, he’s also proven that he is not a real walrus.

This is another close call, but I’m going to have to go with Clonie on this one. She takes a lot of crap on the boards (this means you, 2+2) about not being a great player, but most of it is based on unfounded bull excrement. I’m sure there will be a day when Wahlroos passes her in this category, but for now it still belongs to Gowen.

Not right now, thanks.

Any time, any where.

Wahlroos makes his living as a cash game specialist, treating donkaments as freerolls after he’s made the buy-in playing in the side games. I could be wrong, but I don’t think Clonie is known as the strongest of cash game players. This has been the easiest category so far, Wahlroos evens the score at 2.

No-Limit Hold ‘em

Pot-Limit Omahaha

Ah, Omahaha – the world’s funniest poker game. But I’m not laughing, that game really grinds my gears. You know what else grinds my gears? People who steal their comedy bits from Family Guy without giving them any credit – that shit is whack, yo. Needless to say (yet I’ll say it anyway), NL Hold ‘em is the only game that captures my heart, mind, and imagination (not my soul though, that belongs to Satan after I struck a deal with him for a lifetime supply of Ding-Dongs). Clonie takes the cake on this one; she leads by a score of 3-2.

Finnish Fanaticism

You got me – this category was nothing but a clever ruse to convey the information that Clonie is a Texan (via Oklahoma) and Thomas is a Finn. Other than that, I’ve got nothing here people. Nothing! But, as a general rule, I tend to be frightened of people from Texas, so Wahlroos wins this one by default. Default, the two greatest words in the English language – woo hoo! The score is tied at 3 heading down the stretch.

The Cyclone

The Walrus

As far as I know, neither of these players really have a nickname. But then again, our research department around here is actually comprised of two hamsters with little capacity for anything other than running around on those little wheels all day long, so we could be mistaken. At any rate, let’s give this one to Wahlroos, even though he’s not actually a real walrus.

Former Miss Teen Oklahoma

Former banker

Hmmm, a beauty pageant winner or a banker. Which way do you think we’ll go with this one? I have the utmost respect for bankers because they handle money and do important crap and all, but give me that beauty queen any day of the week. The score is tied up at 4 heading to the final frame of action.

Guest poker commentator, avid scuba diver, and plays the role of “mother” to her children.

Enjoys skydiving, snowboarding, and scuba diving – basically anything with the possibility of inflicting bodily harm on one’s self.

Most people think skydiving is cool – not me. Anyone who jumps out of a plane of their own volition loses some major sanity points in my book. I just don’t get all of these adrenaline junkies chasing their next big rush. You know what else gives you a big rush? Smoking crack (so I’m told). But that don’t mean I’m gonna run out and buy me a couple of rocks straight away. This one goes to Clonie, again by default. It appears that Wahlroos’ parachute failed to deploy in this category.