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Historical Scouting Reports

Posted by Dave McCarthy | Filed under Bloggers Corner

These poker scouting reports for the following historical figures were written by readers of the Poker from the Rail, in our Historical Home Game Writing Contest.  Congratulations to the winners and honorable mentions, and stay tuned for more contests in the future.

Napoleon

Username: 168CmIsNotShort
Strengths: Great strategist, has lots of friends to support him.
Weaknesses:  Plays a little angry when he’s short stacked.  Too long sessions, result-oriented, tilt issues.  Doesnt have the paience to play with the Russians.
Fun facts: Dressed in an army green avatar, Bonaparte rose to prominence under the First Poker Republic, and led successful campaigns against the First and Second Pros.  In 1799, he staged a coup d’état by playing 10/2 suited ( long before Doyle, even though they are about the same age) and installed himself as First WSOP winner: five years later the FPR proclaimed him Red Pro.

Winner: playwanda
Honorable mentions: yanick2, a420pimp, klaaspro, ThaKeyman85

Karl Marx

Username: KarlMASSES
Strengths: Unpredictable hand range: hard to put on a hand based off betting sizes (he believes all betting should be the same).
Weaknesses: He’s always glad to split the pot.
Fun Fact: When he makes the final table he tries to talk the other players into making a deal and sharing the chips equally.

Winner: Rake Clown
Honorable Mentions: Cel Potter, sillymoi

Jesus (from the Bible, not Team Full Tilt)

Usernames: IcanCurCARDS
Strengths: Granted with the power of resurrection, he cannot remain card-dead for more than 3 hands.  Often gets paid off by Trip Kings.  Hasn’t lost a hand in 2000 years.
Weaknesses:  Plays any hand with a heart.
Favorite hand: 72o, because Jesus, granted with the power of the gods, is able to flop a straight with that hand.  A8.
Fun Facts: Always tells his opponents he loves them, which throws them for a loop.  Likes to lead out in hopes that many will follow.  He won the JSOP (Jerusalem Series of Poker), winning the HU of the final table against Judas, and after the tourney he offered Judas 30 coins of the jackpot.  His card protector: a little wooden cross.  Hold the world endurance record, playing for 40 days and 40 nights! Phil Laak tells us: ‘He was storming the tables constantly! God knows how he managed to do it!’
Avatar: His custom avatar bears a striking resemblance to Chris Ferguson.

Winner: Leon083
Honorable mentions: Johnny ACES, carnieguy, ITake1tDown, xUnKjex, Foufou 22, sillymoi, smurforiginal, The King of Za, John Matthews, Marcus Q, I Final Table

Genghis Kahn

Username: Kahn_artist
Strengths: Takes aggressiveness to a new level, Maniacal screaming and yelling intimidates (live) opponents. Will occasionally pick up chairs and run around with them.
Weaknesses: Often breaks out in cold sweats and goes on tilt when a blonde sits down. No 2nd level or 3rd level thinking here, just pure BULLDOZING.  While he had an amazing success all over Asia he still lacks some of the basic fundamentals of playing poker: for example he is certain that firing two bullets will crush a full boat.

Winner: jaysull
Honorable mentions: Darren Icon J, aloniz

George Washington

Username: GW17891797
Favorite Hand: 76, suited.
Strengths: Is the most aggressive player at the table whenever he sits down. Does exceptionally well against players wearing red. Very good at trapping opponents.  Particularly good at large-field MTTs.
Weaknesses: Inability to tell a lie prevents the General from bluffing. Ever.
Fun Fact: When an opponent draws out on him, Washington slams the table and shouts “Benedict Arnold” at the dealer.  Uses one dollar bills instead of chips at his weekly home game just so he can look at himself.
Tells: When he has a monster, he snaps his wood teeth together anxiously

Winner: N3Racer7
Honorable mention: zpav39e, FishhookPhenom, valrez

Socrates

Usernames: platos_pal
Weaknesses: Never bluffs (devoted to truth).  Pondering EVERY hand (even seven deuce off suit) makes him an annoyance to most players who end up calling “time” on him.
Favorite hand: JJ (he thinks of them as comedy/tragedy)
Fun Fact: The likes of Erik Seidel and Alan Cunningham count Socrates as their primary poker influence.
Avatar: Wizard

Winner: thelastmucci
Honorable mentions: valrez, born2bafish

Alexander Graham Bell

Usernames: PHONEITIN, Phony_Aleck, RingRing
Strengths: Undentable bankroll thanks to the never ending royalties.  The ever so brilliant inventor of communication devices has created an optical implant that allows him to peer through someone’s eyes via an invisible beam of light that detects the slightest elevation of nervous pressure in the optical nerve.  He will nickel and dime you to death stealing blinds and antes every chance he can get. How else did our phone bills end up the way they did?
Weaknesses: He’s a “calling” station. Doesn’t know when to “hang up” and lay it down.  Bad long distance calling (no respect for the UTG raise). If the board looks even close to 867-5309, he will play any cards to the end.
Fun Fact: Likes to make crank calls between hands for fun.
Tells: “Watson, Come here!” At this point, I would suggest a fold. Raise if he calls Watson Igor.
Favorite Hand: Anything with 8’s. 800 866, 876, and on occasion 1-900.

Winner: Inadvisable
Honorable mentions: FLOP2ME, valrez, PicincuA, ITM ATM, Tsumommy

Galileo

Usernames: Europa_1610, 1_centered_dude
Strengths: Better math skills than Andy Bloch.
Weaknesses: Never plays the button, since he believes that humans would never be the center of the orbit.  Totally fascinated by full tilt’s random card generator. Often will play crappy hands just to see if he can crack the RNG programming.  Loses focus, often has his head in the clouds.
Tells: Scratches beard when on a draw.
Fun Fact: Since being placed under house arrest, can only play online.
Avatar: Astronaut

Winner: Valrez
Honorable mention: born2bafish, Walk The Line4

Cleopatra

Username: KillerAAsp, Sphinx_mynx
Strengths: Relentless aggression and the ability to chew through men, on and off the felt.
Weaknesses: She takes bad beats poorly, having suicidal thoughts afterwards.
Favorite hand: Two kings
Fun Facts:  Builds pyramids with her chips. Ranks second all time in female poker hotness trailing only Erica Schoenberg.

Winner: Maaarius12, born2bafish
Honorable mention: playwanda, CAchipeater

Related Posts

  1. Historical Home Game Writing Contest

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Permalink | August 24th, 2010 Play Online Poker at Full Tilt Poker

12 Responses to “Historical Scouting Reports”

  1. Trevor T Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Clever stuff…. nice job folks.

  2. wanda Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Congratulations to all winners. This was a GREAT contest and I had fun !

  3. wanda Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    FTP ID :playwanda

  4. don Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    thanks for the fun contest and for spreading out the winners. 1450 ftps will be a huge deal for me. look forward to next time.
    thanks
    born2bafish

  5. Marius Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 6:43 am

    Hy Dave. Very nice full report! Q: when do you estimate we will get the FTP? Thank you.

  6. Eduardo Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Haha Socrates is the funniest.

    I wonder when do you estimate we will get the FTP too? Tks

  7. 3ple9 Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    LoL…!!!

    …very nice…!!!

  8. The King of Za Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 7:44 am

    Also wondering when we get the http://FTP... but a great contest nonetheless! Thanks guys!

  9. wanda Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    The usual turn-around for points to be added is 24-72 hours.

    If points are not added by then , Dave will ask you email him.

    Exactly. Thanks Wanda! Email me at davefromtherail@gmail.com if you don’t have the points in 72 hours. –Dave

  10. Jo Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    The Fun Fact was stolen from me!

    The 40 Days and 40 Nights part?

  11. Jo Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    ah i see, they combined it!

  12. don Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    received my points today. thanks dave

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