Posted by The All-In-Uit | Filed under Bloggers Corner
After my first post, our one loyal, dedicated and deranged reader saw fit to label me as a raging feminist. I’d like to exercise my right of reply by saying that I actually have nothing against men, it’s just that I’ve recently taken up a new religion which mandates me to publicly insult douchebags. With poker being full of well, poker players, I was simply compelled to pen the aforementioned vitriole.
In fact, the most unpleasant poker experience of my life was playing the Ladies Event at the 2006 WSOP. I was mid-way through a nine-week stay in Vegas and the combination of being forced to answer stupid questions like, “Do you know where Daniel Negreanu is?” while manning a booth squashed in between the Milwaukee’s Best Light girls and the hookers from Sapphire (who to their credit had gotten organized that year) had put me on serious monkey tilt.
I’m not a good poker player, not even close, but in spite of my record of zero cashes in live tournaments (a streak that continues to this day), I somehow managed to sell 55% of myself and decided to front the rest for the buy-in. I rock up to the tournament late, and as I sit down it suddenly dawns on me why the majority of my friends are boys.
Some tournament reporter wanders over and asks the woman in seat 1 for her chip count. After she turns back to the table, the conversation goes something like this:
Collective table sheep minus Cyndy Violette and myself: “We love your magazine! You’re such a good poker player..blah blah blah”
It was almost the poker equivalent of the “I’ll-insult-myself-so-everyone-around-me-will-pump-me-up” bullshit that irritates me about being a girl. When another girl comes up to me and goes “Why don’t you like me?/I’m so fat” I usually comply and reply with the expected “Of course I like you, you’re a really nice person/No you’re not, you’re totally skinny” when what I really want to say is, “For the love of God stop putting your fucking neuroses on me!” Manipulating other people to spout adulation about you is false humility and I’m calling you out on it.
Of course this now leaves me in a bit of a quandary as I’m now equally tilted by both sexes. I wasn’t really contemplating going to the Ellen Degeneres side beyond maintaining my “List of Women I Would Turn For” (Tea Leoni, if you ever leave David Duchovy give me a call – I’ll dress you up like Bad Boys I and we’ll live happily forever after), but given my non-existent track record with the lads I was simply trying to increase my outs.
I think the only logical option now left is to go asexual – if you know any single-celled amoebas who like to have a good time, please let me know.
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