$@&! Slow Rollers

Posted by Big Donkey | Filed under Bloggers Corner

As you can see, I just love the slow rollers. I mean, they’re the people who make poker worth playing. Really… they are. And I can dunk.

Now I know everyone has probably slow-rolled at least once in their poker career and that’s OK, so long as it’s not a regular part of your game. For most folks, it was a “This is the first time I’ve ever played live and I didn’t realize I had the best hand” kind of thing, which is perfectly understandable. It happens and, usually, someone at the table explains that what you just did is a breach of poker etiquette. You learn and you move on. Or, maybe you’re playing a really casual home game with some of your friends and you slow roll the nuts just, well, because it’s what’s expected in that game. Fine… no problem.

What gets me though are the people who know better and still intentionally slow roll. They’re the fuckers I love to felt.

In the countless hours I’ve spent in my local card room, I’ve come across two different types of slow rollers. The first is the guy I like to refer to as the “Embarrassed Idiot”. If you’ve ever played a live game, you’ve undoubtedly run into this character – he’s the one who bluffs or over-bets bottom pair all the way to the river and then tries to hide his cards at showdown.

Is he embarrassed? Without a doubt; he got caught playing shit and doesn’t want other people to know how “loose” he really is. What he doesn’t understand, however, is that everyone already knows he’s a complete and utter donkey, which is why they’re calling him down in the first place.

Here’s some simple poker etiquette for you, Mr. Idiot. If you get called on the river, you’re the one who’s supposed to show your cards first. That’s why it’s known as being called. Suck it up, table your pair of 2s or your busted straight draw and move on. It’s not like anybody else at the table is going to be surprised when they see all you have is air, and the game will keep on moving along without the agony of you and your opponent playing “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

As bad as this slow roller is, there’s someone who’s even worse. The prick who slow rolls you with the stone cold nuts. Why do I hate this guy more than the Embarrassed Idiot? Because he’s slow rolling maliciously. This guy knows he has his opponent dead to rights and he just wants to turn the knife a little more. It’s obnoxious.

I ran into one of the princes just the other week when I successfully bluffed my way out of a $500 tournament. I raised the small blind and got called by the big blind. Not so bad. The flop comes 4-7-8 with two diamonds and I lead out. He min-raises and I have a decision. After determining he was on a draw (oops) I jam and he goes into the tank – with a made hand. After about 30 seconds of agonized “debate”, he announced “I think I have odds to call here” before turning over 5-6 and showing me the nuts.

You’re !@#$%^!! right you have the odds to call, you hump.

I’ve just bluffed my way out of the tournament and you know, I feel really good about my play, so I’m glad you decided to take that cheap shot just for fun. That’s special. Prick.

All I can say to you, sir, is that Karma is a bitch. Does this mean I’ll slow roll you if I ever get the chance? Probably not – but I may tip the son-of-a-bitch who does.

Tags: Slow Rollers