Posted by One Angry Monkey | Filed under Heads Up
Welcome back to another round of the Full Tilt Poker Heads-Up Challenge. Before we get started today, I just wanted to thank The All-In-Uit for taking over Reader Mail yesterday. It was a truly noble act on her part; now let’s all just hope Patrik Antonius drops the restraining order and she finds the happiness that she deserves.
In other news, this week’s match will be a short one due to the fact that I’m now on the run from the police for a crime I was falsely accused of – I’m like The Fugitive, except I’m not as cool as Harrison Ford and I’d never let myself get pwned by a one-armed man. At any rate, this week’s match features a three seed versus 14 seed showdown, with Allen “I wish people would stop calling me Clever Piggy” Cunningham taking on Chip “Husband of Karina Jett” Jett. Check out the full bracket below, on to the show:
|
Category
|
Allen Cunningham |
Chip Jett |
Survey Says
|
|
Career Earnings
|
Nearly $10 million (hot damn – you could buy a really nice car with that kind of cash!) |
Over $2 million |
Man, these poker players with their millions of dollars really grind my gears. You know what else really grinds my gears? People who wear shorts everyday, even when it’s cold outside. What’s up with that? Anyway, Cunningham takes the early lead due to his whopping tourney cash-outs. |
|
Major Titles
|
5 WSOP gold bracelets |
None
|
You know what else really grinds my gears – albinos. Get some pigment, for the love of god. Cunningham two, Jett zero. |
|
Tournament Play
|
One of the best tourney players in the world. |
Excellent tourney player, almost as good as his wife, Karina Jett. |
While good old Chippy is no slouch at tourney play, this category has to go to Clever Piggy. As Norman Chad might say: “What are they thinking? This is Allen Cunningham!” The beat down continues. |
|
Cash Game Play
|
As long as it doesn’t affect his tourney schedule. |
As long as he’s sitting next to his wife, Karina Jett. |
I’m no expert on these things (which is exactly why I write this column), but I don’t think either of these guys are big cash game players. I’m sure they both play in the cash games on occasion, but both are known more as tourney players. With that in mind, this category goes to Cunningham because he’s a clever piggy and you’re not (which is a good thing, I think). |
|
Playing Style
|
Pig In Shit |
Whiplash
|
I was going to make some clever comment here about Chip Jett being vaginally whipped, but thought better of it. Who am I to judge? The last time I had a girlfriend (which was approximately 1907) I was more whipped than Cobra Kai after Daniel-son Crane-kicked their asses back to last Tuesday (and yes, I did just watch The Karate Kid the other night). All of which has nothing to do with how these two play poker – I just wanted to talk about movies for a minute. Let’s give this category to Chip – I’m sure he’s the one who wears the pants in that family. |
|
Nickname
|
Clever Piggy |
Karina Jett’s Husband |
Clever Piggy might be the worst nickname ever bestowed upon a poker player. But considering that Chip Jett has no nickname, this one has to go to Cunningham as well. That’ll do pig, that’ll do. |
So there you have it, Cunningham takes down Chip Jett by a score of five to one. Sorry for the abbreviated session this week kids, I’ll be back in full swing next week. Unless Tommy Lee Jones catches me, but he’s pretty old now so I can’t see that happening. And just so we’re perfectly clear on everything, I didn’t kill my wife! Until next week…
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