Posted by One Angry Monkey | Filed under Heads Up
Another week has passed, so that means it’s time for another round of the Full Tilt Poker Heads-Up Challenge. 64 of our top pros will go into battle, but only one will be victorious when it’s all said and done. This week’s match features number one seed Chris Ferguson − Jesus himself − taking on the 16th seeded David Oppenheim, cash game specialist and golfer extraordinaire. As with all of these one versus 16 match-ups, the 16 seed has absolutely no chance, it’s merely a formality. Feel the excitement!
Please remember that this competition has absolutely nothing to do with poker or any true basis in reality. We’re just having a little fun over here. On to the fight:
|
Category
|
Chris Ferguson |
David Oppenheim |
Survey Says
|
|
Career Earnings
|
More than $6 million |
Almost $500K |
To be fair, Oppenheim is a cash game player and we have no idea how much he’s made in the cash games. But still – bitch please. Check one off for Jesus. |
|
Major Titles
|
5 WSOP bracelets, 3 WSOP-C rings, one badass cowboy hat |
Zip. Zilch. Zero. Zebra. |
Cowboy hat 2, Zebra nothing. |
|
Tournament Play
|
Only one of the best tournament players around today. |
Not known for his tourney play, but he did take third at WPT event. |
It just doesn’t seem like a fair fight, does it? Ferguson lays another beat on Oppenheim. |
|
Cash Game Play
|
A formidable cash game player, but it’s certainly not his speciality. |
A cash game specialist. So we guess you could say that he’s alright at cash games, right? |
Ring one up for Opie. He’s on fire now. Hotter than Backdraft. William Baldwin is da bomb, yo! |
|
Best Game
|
No-Limit Hold ‘em |
Limit Hold ‘em |
Limit? How boring is that? If you can’t push all your chips to the middle of the table without thinking about it, then it’s just not gambling. Jesus lives! |
|
Table Talk
|
Who the hell needs to talk when you can walk on water? |
Opie’s not big on the table talk, but he’s slightly more garrulous than Ferguson. |
We’re gonna go ahead and give this one to Oppenheim. Why? Because we feel like it, that’s why. |
|
Nickname
|
Jesus, son of God |
Opie, cousin of Ron Howard |
Not that we have anything against Ron Howard, because who doesn’t love Parenthood? But he’s no man to be sharing a nickname with. Now Jesus? There’s one badass to be sharing a name with - hallelujah! |
|
Special Skills
|
Turns water into wine – wait, wrong Jesus. This one can cut fruit and vegetables by throwing playing cards, though. That’s pretty cool, right? |
We’re not sure if Opie has any special skills, but we do know that his favorite food is raw oysters. Some people might consider the ability to enjoy raw oysters a “special skill.” |
Do we even need to say it? Praise Jesus, take this one home. |
|
Outside Poker
|
Avid swing dancer |
Avid golfer |
Swing dancing? Really? Well, no one’s perfect, not even Jesus. It’s just disappointing, to be honest. Now golf, there’s a hobby we can live with. It’s not really a sport and it’s pretty boring, but then again, it’s not swing dancing. Mark one up for Opie. |
So that’s that. Jesus takes down Ron Howard by a score of six to three. Considering the participants, it really wasn’t a fair fight from the get go. And for anyone who was offended by the Jesus references, we only have one question for you: why the hell are you reading a poker blog? Get a life. Maybe we’ll do the same someday…
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