You’ve had a tough week at the office, the kids are driving you nuts, or maybe none of that is true. You can use any excuse available to justify a little personal time hitting the tables at Full Tilt. There are plenty of chances to hit up the big games online this weekend or you can hit up the small ball games while railing your favorite pros.

Full Tilt Poker started a new promotion which is running at the moment.  Take 2 is running now through April 10th where you have a chance to earn double points as well as cash bonuses.  All for playing multiples cash game tables which you are probably doing already.  Click on the link above to get the full details.

There are big guarantee tournaments running all weekend long starting this evening as well as some special blogger games. Some of the tournaments highlighted after the jump.

Friday night kicks off the festivities with the new Friday Night Fights. A $500 Knockout Tournament at 21:00ET as well as a Full Tilt pro high stakes Heads-up match. The next pro “fight” is scheduled for next Friday and it will be Eli Elezra vs Chau Giang (remember you read it here first!).  The KO tournament has a $75,000 guarantee prizepool.

The big time continues with Big Money Sunday and four of the biggest online tournaments in existence.  The Sunday Brawl (14:00ET, $350,000 guarantee), the $750k Guarantee (18:00ET) and the Sunday Mulligan (19:05ET, $200,000 guarantee) are the staples of the Sunday night tournaments.  I include the newest monster game in my Sunday list also.  The $200k Double Deuce is a $20+2 buyin tournament that regularly draws well over 10,000 players at 16:22ET.  A huge prizepool for a small buyin with satellites constantly running.

There are three special blogger games running this weekend as well.

Friday night we will be celebrating one of my favorite blogger tournaments of all time, the Friday Night Blogger Donkament.  It’s a silly $1 rebuy tournament where players try to set the record for most rebuys in an hour, it’s an excuse to donk away as quickly as possible to erase some of the pressure after serious grinding during the week.  Katitude is our hostess and she’ll be neck deep in martinis throughout.

Sunday brings two blogger tournaments, one small buyin, one a little bigger.

The weekly Brit Blogger game kicks off on Sunday at 16:00ET and is part of the Battle of the Blogger Tournaments series.  For a $5 buyin you have your first shot at winning a WSoP seat and tons of low-limit donkey fun.

The Bad Bankroll Management Tournaments is something new and strange all together.  Blogger (and occasional guest writer here at Poker From the Rail) Julius_Goat throws an event every few weeks who’s sole purpose is to find players willing to throw good money away.  The $50+ buyin tournament has no money added, no points awarded, and player chat comments that will shame the thin-skinned.  Play at your own risk but it’s a ton of fun.

If you are not playing in one of the big guarantee tournaments or the blogger events there are still a couple of big time challenge going on that you can rail while playing your other games.

The durrrr Challenge continues to cruise along.  You can always track their action at the durrrr Challenge stats tracker and follow along as Tom “durrrr” Dwan and Patrik Antonius battle it out over 4 Heads-up tables.

“SNG Nick” Rainey also continues towards his goal of playing in 16,000 Sit n Go’s over 31 days with a $10,000 profit.  He’s playing nearly non-stop so you can find him most time of the day by searching for his player name, Stinko_Mikko.

I would also suggest hitting up the new Full Tilt Poker Academy for the free sessions, lessons and challenges.  I’m currently working on my second challenge, the Chris Ferguson Bankroll Management challenge.

Good luck at the tables and have a good weekend.

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Weekend Plans

Related posts:

1. Weekend Plans for April 17th
2. Your weekend plans and Blogger mania
3. Weekend Plans for April 10th

A few weeks ago, our guest blogger Julius_Goat issued a challenge to fellow Full Tilt blogger Michael Craig similar to the durrrr Challenge.  Except it would be micro-limit, far fewer hands and nothing major at stake.  But completely the same other than that.

Well Mr. Craig responded and now Julius_Goat offers up his end of the bet.  I hope this happens and it’s nearly as funny as we all think it will be.  You can read his terms after the jump.

(On a serious note, you need to check out the durrrr Challenge stat tracker.  Just shy of 6,000 and they are almost dead even.)

Goatttt Challenge Terms
by Julius_Goat

Well, Mr. Craig, you did it.  You incapacitated me with your cowardice.  Also, you blinded me with science, but that’s not important right now.  I came to you in good faith, offering you 3:1 money at micro stakes, and what do you do?  What, I ask?  What?

No seriously, what?  It’s been nearly three weeks since I fell to the floor in shocked disbelief at your craven and scurrulous response.  Let’s see, let’s see . . .

Oh. Right. That.

So, you don’t fancy actually playing for money, and think you can hide by claiming you don’t need my filthy lucre, eh, Mr. Craig?  You’d rather have a YouTube vid or photograph of me eating something awful?  And not only that, but you have to invent a female “assistant” to answer me.  I call shenanigans on your so-called Gal Friday, sir.  That’s right, I said it.  Shenanigans!

Let’s face it, Mr. Craig, if you can’t afford my offer, you certainly can’t afford to pay the kind of money it would take to get one of the fairer sex to interact with you on a semi-regular basis, even over the Internet.

Furthermore, you couch your response in legal blather.  Really sir?  Legal talk?  I thought we were poker players, not degenerates.

But very well, I am as flexible as I am magnanimous as I am good at poker stuff as I am at writerly sentences that are concise and easy to read without run-ons or dangling participles which I hate and besides I am also taller than you.

I will accept your terms, with the following provisos.

1)  As it is unlikely that I will be able to attend this summer’s WSOP — nearly as unlikely as (for example) you beating me.  As I am unwilling to contract bachilism, mad cow disease, scurvy, dropsy, the whoop-whoop fever, sad lurky, morveliscm, angry poot rash, beefy marmenstein, or any other uncomfortable, debilitating, or hilarious disease for the sake of your prancing monkey entertainment, the foodstuff selected must be either: (a) non-perishable; or (b) sealed in its container with a “best eaten by” date that is clearly and indelibly marked and not less than 15 days from the date of receipt by me.

2)  If the above is impractical or undesirable to you, then you may either a) pay for the refrigerated and airtight transfer of said foodstuff, or b) communicate to me a fungible foodstuff that may be purchased within my county of origin.

3)  If you ain’t playing for money, brother, then neither am I.  In the extremely likely, nearly inevitable, case that you lose to me, you need not pay me the $5 bounty.  Instead,

(a)  You will, for an entire day of a 2009 WSOP tournament in which you are playing, wear a hat, which I will ship to you on your dime.  If you are not playing a tournament, you will wear it during a televised event that you are covering.

(b)  Specifically, you will wear a goat hat.

(c)  Specifically, you will wear this goat hat.

(d)  You will, of course, submit to me photographic or video evidence of this.

(e)  I reserve the right to find and send a more hilarious goat hat, should one become available, or (sadly) a less hilarious goat hat, should this one remain out of stock.

Mess with a goat, you get the horns.  The silly horns that curl back so that the pointed parts can’t possibly hurt you, but the horns nonetheless.  You have my terms.  Let’s set a time and a date and do this like Brutus, cause you knew ‘dis.

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Goatttt Challenge Terms are Set

Related posts:

1. Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Goatttt Challenge
2. 2009 World Series of Poker – No pause for “durrrr Challenge”
3. durrrr Challenge update and Patrik Antonius interview

You will also find some very interesting banter in the chat as a lot of players have seen each other over the course of play and sometimes it gets a little heated.  When that happens you need to know how to use it to your benefit.

Funnyman/blogger Drizztdj brings us a primer on that very subject.  Stop back later in the week for a roundup of the week’s action as well as Michael Craig responding to the Julius_Goatttt Challenge.

Chatting For Profit
by Drizztdj

You’re a busy person.

Work, kids, school, A-Rod Fan Club President, professional poker player, needs to get a haircut. In the mist of getting twenty-five things done at once, you find the time to sit down at your favorite laptop , PC, or MAC and decide to fire up a few tournament tables here at Full Tilt. With that extra block of time you choose a couple of MTTs with fat guarantees and settle into your chair with a favorite beverage or eight sitting to your right.

Motoring along in the second hour of the $27,500 guarantee $26 token tourney, you find yourself with double the starting stack but under par and getting your blinds picked off by the big stacks as the antes kick in. The money spots won’t hit until the third or fourth hour and barring the dealer gifting you some big pocket pairs soon, you’ll need to pick a spot to gamble. After a tug off your Captain and Coke (or insert favorite drink here as I’m biased towards the spiced rum) and holding only seven big blinds you’re dealt 8s-9s in the big blind. Folded around to the aggressive big stack that has been using your blinds as his personal ATM for the past half hour, he min-raises again from middle position getting the rest of the table to flip over to CNN for the latest on Obama’s stimulus plans. Being in a spot to hopefully get two live cards in for a gamble and maybe net his chips in the middle, you shove over the top of his fourth straight raise pre-flop and are sadly met by a snap call with red aces.

“Oh well, gg folks!” you type into the chat box as there’s a decision to be made on one of the other tables and your focus heads to another screen. Flop comes down Ts-4h-Js, and suddenly those pocket fives on the other table don’t seem very exciting as you just flopped an open ended straight flush draw. A pulse in your seemingly dead tournament life, you cheer for those 15 outs twice waking up the wife in the process but will deal with her wraith later, live outs baby!

2s falls on the turn and you offer an “unlucky” in the chat box to your opponent’s crushed pocket rockets, suddenly you have chips again and a new outlook toward snagging that $4,000+ first prize. Poker is fun! But, wait, what’s this?

“U r a f in dkey, looser ROFL omg idiot!!11” come from the rock avatar as his once mountain of chips went from Mount Everest to K-2, after you managed a few snowflakes off the peak of his stack. Being a calm player, you offer another condolence for the cracked aces, but are careful not to educate the irate player as to why you made the move.

Unfortunately, this happens with any successful run to the final table of a lengthy MTT. Somewhere along the line, you found two cards to gamble your short stack/beginning stack with and hit a flush, a set, or snared that dominated kicker on the river. Its poker, best hand does not always win, the sooner you learn that lesson, the more likely you will keep your wits when the above situation happens and not end up throwing a laptop or berating a play that made perfect sense if you were in his shoes with the cracked aces.

Some people thrive on anger and turn their aggression into a pile of blinds, antes, and continuation bets being shipped towards their stack. But, playing optimum poker is best done when you are able to analyze the situation quickly and make the best positive expectation play. Letting someone’s comments in the chat box get to that Zen-like calm can mean spewing chips, buy-ins, and cheating yourself out of a potential three, four, five, or six figure score just because you couldn’t handle being called a poorly typed name.

Now there’s a couple of ways to go about releasing the tension from the poor sport in the five seat:

1. Battle of words
2. Silent treatment

Choosing to face the mouth breather to a battle of wits in the chat box can be effective as long as you don’t stoop to his level. Coming up with mama/sister jokes and using a plethora of poor poker playing adjectives might tilt the other player into a bad play, but most likely have the reverse effect as you look up your next witty one-liner on Google.

The better decision is the silent treatment. No one likes to be ignored and thanks to the wonders of technology, here at Full Tilt you can simply right click on the ball of rage’s avatar and choose to block their chat. Or if you prefer, just read along with every insult about your car being able to fit inside a chihuahua’s dog house and laugh with it instead of feeling the need to press your intellectual superiority.

Check raises, floats, and stop-and-gos are not the only weapons you can use at the table to win. Using your head and staying calm while others make bad decisions based on an inability to accept a suckout, can take you from being a break-even player to a profitable one!

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Guest Post – Drizztdj – Chatting for Profit

Related posts:

1. Guest Post – Micro-limit SnG Notes
2. Bloggers On The Rail – Guest Post: Julius_Goat 2
3. Bloggers On The Rail – Guest Post: Julius_Goat 3

While you are watching those great games from the rail, we have another challenge that could be fun to watch. Blogger versus blogger, a little bit of money but a ton of smack talk. Resident Poker From the Rail guest blogger is throwing down the gauntlet to fellow FTP blogger Michael Craig. Not nearly the amount of money in play as the durrrr Challenge but these guys have their egos on the line.

Waiting on Michael’s response.

The Goatttt Challenge: Calling Out Michael Craig
by Julius_Goat

Like most of you, I am following two new developments in the wold of Full Tilt Poker with great interest. Unlike most of you, I am following it with nothing but two atrophied brain cells and a complete lack of fact checking as I write this, but I’m sure I am getting all the details correct, so just take my word for it, okay?

The first development is the now-famous “Durrrr Challenge” named after the young internet poker phenom Tom “Durrrr Dwan” Challenge, who first came to national prominence in a televised heads-up match with Phil Hellmuth, who accused him of using far too many of the letter “r” in a row.

Durrrrrecently threw down the high stakes internet poker gauntlet with resounding authority by announcing that he would take on all comers in at least $200/$400 PLO or NLHE for at least 50,000 hands. What makes this prop bet especially juicy is that if the challenger is ahead after the alloted number of hands by $1 or more, Dwan will ship $1.5 million. If Dwan is ahead by $1 or more, the challenger need only ship 500K. What this means, in essence, is that Dwan is saying to the world at large, “I am three times better than anybody else.” Cheeky bastard, no? Dwan may disagree with this characterization, justifiably pointing out that he’s trying to spice up the pot to generate some good games, but I’m using my 9th grade math for the first time in my life, so get out of my way.

The sole exception to this challenge is Durrrr’s good buddy Clay “OMGPhilGalfond” Aiken, who apparently knows a little bit too much about his playing style, or perhaps is too good a friend to want to take so much money from, or maybe Phil is really Dwan, having gone back in time through the Lost island and joined the Dharma Initiative somehow. In any event, Durrrr is now playing a promising young newcomer named Patrick Antonius, who is currently ahead. Let me be the first to say it: I think this Antonius kid might be the real deal. In a few years, I bet we’re talking about him as one of the great players in the game. You read it here.

The second is the long awaited introduction of micro-stakes cash games to Full Tilt Poker. This is wonderful for me, because now I can play cash games for considerably longer before I’ve lost all of my money. I can now neglect to learn from my mistakes for far less per hand than I used to have to pay, and for that, I speak for all my fellow donkeys in saying, “Thank you, Full Tilt, thank you!”.

This may seem like a rather rambling and tangential post, but here’s where I pull the drawstrings tight and hit you with the mad confluence of my craft. I say, to hell with Egon Spengler, I’m crossing the streams. That’s right, Julius_Goat is where micro stakes and the Durrrr Challenge meet.

I am issuing my own Durrrr Challenge. I will play anybody in PLO or NLHE for at least 50 hands at stakes no more than $0.02/$0.04. If I am up by a penny or more at the end of the arranged hands, I will get $5. However, if my challenger is up a penny or more at the end, I will send him or her $15. This challenge is open to anybody who is a poker writer for Full Tilt Poker’s blog named Michael Craig, as long as said challenger is also the author of the popular book The Professor, the Banker, and the Suicide King.

Why Michael Craig? Well, first I sort of know the guy, in an Internet way. He awarded me an FTOPS seat once as a prize for one of his writing contests, even though I speak no English. He makes himself available via email and instant message. And now, I take that policy of openness and accessibility, hone it to a point, and shiv him right between the shoulder blades. Open up the loading bay, Craig, because here comes your surprise delivery of smack talk.

Reasons I Am Challenging Michael Craig

1) I am three time the player that Michael Craig is. Easily. There are all kinds of proofs of this, they are everywhere. In fact, it’s so obvious that I’ll just leave it to you to think of seven or eight of them right off the top of your head.

2) I am also four times the player Michael Craig is. You can’t argue with math.

3) Michael Craig is semi-literate. It’s a well-known fact that most of Michael Craig’s blog posts are outsourced to a shop in Bangalore. Again, it’s so well-known that I don’t really see the need to cite any sources on this. Just think, off the top of your head, of twelve or thirteen respected news source that have reported this, and we’re good.

4) Michael Craig is a shaved ape. I don’t really have any comment to add to this, but I thought it was important to get this in print. Truth is beauty, you know.

5) Michael Craig killed my father. Taking him in online poker for five bucks and change seems like a suitable revenge, no? I’ve been plotting this for nearly seven years. That’s something like 49 dog years, Michael. Hope that helps you figure it out.

OK, now that this challenge has been thrown down in rather over-the-top, semi-slanderous (but I want to stress, completely, utterly and unequivocally true) fashion, the ball is in Craig’s court. What do you say, Craig? Are you ready to feel the hurt? Are you ready for the Goatttt Challenge, or are you a coward on top of everything else? The world is watching.

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Goatttt Challenge

Related posts:

1. Goatttt Challenge Terms are Set
2. The “durrrr” Challenge Continues
3. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Blogger Donkeys

I suspect that if you’ve followed Chapters 1 through 12 you might be only using play-money chips at this point.

Stupid/System Chapter 12: Going Pro
by Julius_Goat

If you’ve been following along with me, you now have a lot of the “tools” that you’ll need for long-term, online and live poker success. You know how to fire the third bullet with air, shove a double belly to represent the set, get the fish to double you when you’ve got the nuts, play ATC, abuse the bubble, and exploit the weak-tights with squeezes, overbets, underbets, brass knuckles, clarinet solos, the crane kick and other advanced moves.

So now you are asking yourself: Is it time for me to go pro?

Woah! Wait a second there, Sparky! Not so fast!

First of all, of COURSE you should go pro! You’re totally, lusciously, awesome! Read the first paragraph! You’re like the Bruce Lee of poker, and you’re getting your “Heeeeeeoooooooow!” on. The question you need to ask yourself is, what KIND of pro are you going to be? There’s more than just one kind, you know. I mean, if you don’t decide that, how are you going to know whether or not to buy a cowboy hat or a hoodie? Get with the program.

Other things you’ll want to ponder as you start your career as a top pro:

Poker is like life. Like poker, life is a series of two cards that you are dealt at random, which you use in an attempt to win as many tiny bits of clay or plastic as you can. Also like poker, life is experienced with six to nine other people, three of whom smell like feet soaked in cat food. Also like poker, life takes place on green, red, or purple felt, and involves a series of all-or-nothing propositions, after which you lose and cry on TV like a tween girl who just saw the Jonas Brothers in the mall, or else win and scream your barbaric yawp like a viking who just beheaded a Visigoth, though in fact you just get a considerably larger quantity of little bits of clay or plastic. And that’s not the only ways poker is like life, either! There are a lot of other ones, too, like sometimes you lose and sometimes you win. Think about it.

Bankroll. You should have at least one buy-in for whatever level you play, otherwise you won’t be able to buy in. That’s economics 101, but you’d be surprised how many pros forget this and try to buy in with some other good or service, like tax tips or pickled venison chittlins. Most people recommend at least 200 buy ins, and some go as low as 50, but let’s face it, you only need that if you’re planning on losing. Are you planning on losing? Didn’t think so. Next!

Quirks. Marcel Luske wears his sunglasses upside-down. Gus Hanson pretends to be bald. Antonio Esfandiari does the magic thing. Chris Ferguson throws cards. Mike Caro does his crossword with a pen. Phil Hellmuth pretends to be a child trapped in a man’s body. Daniel Negraneu is Canadian. Every pro has at least one quirk, which separates them from the field and gets them notice from TV cameras and sponsors. What will your quirk be? I’ll offer a few suggestions here, but realistically, these will be taken within minutes of publication, so you’d do well to use your imagination.

- Cover your body covered in sharp, protective quills.

- Never wear sunglasses. But always wear a suit made out of sunglasses.

- Vulcan ears.

- Celebrate every big pot with a specific food, like biscuits and gravy.

- Dress like a Leprachaun.

- Act like you are in a musical. Sing all your dialogue.

Cash or Tourny? This is probably the most important decision you will make as you decide whether or not to go pro. It is much like choosing your race, profession, or alignment in a RPG such as World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons. A cash player, for example, can wield a two-handed sword (but not an axe), gets a +2 modifier on all attacks against the undead, and can call an animal familiar but cannot learn any other spells, while a tourny player will go broke in a year.

Mentor. It’s important to get a mentor to help coach you through the rough patches, deal with the psychological effects of variance, and work through some of the tougher spots you face at the table. I’d get Doyle Brunson if I were you. He’s pretty good. Just go up to him at this year’s WSOP and hand him a 3-ring binder containing your last year of hand histories from Full Tilt poker, along with your business card. Tell him that you’ll be back in a week for his notes. He shouldn’t need more than that, he’s a fast reader.

Previous Chapters
Stupid/System by Julius_Goat
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 6: Addendum
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Guest Post – Julius Goat – Stupid/System Chapter 12

Related posts:

1. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Stupid System Chaper 11
2. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Tournament Director
3. Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Goatttt Challenge

Naturally, if you take any of the following serious, I would direct you first to this link.

Full Tilt Memorandum
From: Julius_Goat
To: All Full Tilt Staff

RE: DONKEY CHOKER POKER — IMMEDIATE SOFTWARE ENHANCEMENT

Dear Team Full Tilt,

First of all, thank you for hiring me as tournament director! It was a surprising choice to be sure, but I can assure you that my total lack of qualification in no way . . .

Huh, lost my train of thought there. Anyway, it’s been a great ride so far, and I’d just like to personally apologize to Chris Ferguson about the hat thing. I really wasn’t feeling well; think I ate some bad shrimp at the buffet.

But enough about my stomach. Let’s move on to other stomachs; specifically, the stomach of the players who are dealt horrible bad beats every single day at your tables. We need to do something to give those players a good feeling. These are randomly generated times that call for randomly generated action, my friends.

I propose that you allow your users to choke, maim, punch, and otherwise abuse the avatar of the player who just detestably sucked out on them. The software MUST accommodate this; as soon as the player is eliminated, the table becomes an interactive game in which horrific damage can be inflicted. (Remember, none of this should be viewable to the other players, only to the eliminated player.)

Imagine it, if you will. I’ve just stupidly called a HUGE bet pre with nothing but 75 offsuit, and then called bullets on the turn and river with an inside straight draw. We’re already both committed to the pot when my straight fills on the river, and you are eliminated from the 50/50 right before the bubble.

Now, look at me, grinning there.

LOOK at me. Disgusting, isn’t it? Don’t I need a good choking? Or perhaps a fatal coronary?

What if you could make me go from this . . .

To THIS.

Imagine the goodwill generated amongst our customers!

Now, let me clarify. Everybody knows that bad beats are a necessary part of poker, and I’d never in a million years suggest that you modify the software to eliminate bad beats for anybody but me. However, when they happen, the victimized player is left with unresolved feelings of anger, frustration, and injustice. This manifests itself in any number of ways, none of which provide our clients with a positive online experience.

1) Whining and complaining and abusive chat. Let’s not discount the man-hours wasted tracking down all the complaints of abuse, or the ill-will caused by blocked chat.

2) Tilt. While this may not seem as though it would affect our bottom line, consider that the tilted player is one step away from the player who has given up the game in disgust.

3) Bad beat stories. These are the worst thing in the world, and are a leading cause of global warming. Let’s go green in 2009!

All right, team. We have the energy. We have the knowledge. We have the technology.

Let’s go do it.

Hugs & Kisses,
Your CEO
Julius_Goat

P.S. Al Can’t Hang is asking me if we can set something up where you can ACTUALLY have somebody killed for like 1 million FPP. Legal, can you look into this, please?

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Guest Post – Julius Goat – Tournament Director

Related posts:

1. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Stupid/System Chapter 12
2. Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Donkey Test
3. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Blogger Donkeys

This week’s moment of brilliance brings us the next version of the Donkey Test.  Simple enough, follow the questions, answer and score yourself at the bottom.

Enjoy.

The New Donkey Test

So, I was scouring through the poker-net, and I came across a new version of that Donkey Quiz that was popular a few years back. Remember that thing? It’s a pretty good little quiz, and creates what I consider to be a fairly strong profile of your poker game. I, for example, scored in the 98th percentile for excellence the seventh time I took it.

Well, somebody has created a new one, and I have been allowed to reproduce a section of it here for your edification. Enjoy!

Situation 1:

You are at a $5 / $10 NL full ring game in 5th position with $200 in front of you. You hold AsKs. You raise it to $30 and the button calls with $80 left behind.

The flop comes JdQdTh, and you push all-in. The button calls and shows 6d2d. The flush fills on the turn and the button scoops the pot, saying, “I had to call, I had 15 outs twice.”

You say:

A. “You couldn’t possibly have considered the sixes and twos were outs, you utter nimrod! And nice call before the flop with total rags! Do you realize how bad you just played? I’m seriously considering having you euthanized. I’m pretty sure that’s legal in Vegas. And for crying out LOUD, you are NOT priced in there for a flush draw!”

B. “Calling pre with 62 is losing poker every time, chucklehead. You’re going to go broke in the long run, I promise.”

C. Nothing.

D. “Yeah.”

E. “You have scorned me. Never be alone, for once you are, I will exact a terrible revenge.”

Situation 2:

You are in a large-field MTT with a slightly above-average chip stack of 23,870. Blinds are 750/1500 and the antes are 100. On the button, you are dealt Js5d. Action folds to the cutoff, who pushes all-in for a little over 4200.

You call and he shows AcQc. You catch a Jack and he is eliminated from the tournament. On the way out he mutters, “I can’t believe I wait three hours for a decent hand and lose to this jackass who can’t fold Jack high.”

You say:

A. “Don’t you understand anything about tournament poker or pot odds? You weren’t even twice the starting pot. I’d have had to call you with deuce three, bro. Anybody who can fold any hand there shouldn’t be playing poker. Go learn about what M is and then we’ll see who the jackass is, OK?”

B. “Right. I’m like 3:1 at best against any random hand but I should have found a fold getting even odds. I totally should have put you on Aces.”

C. Nothing.

D. “Yeah, sorry. That was a terrible beat. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

E. “My pet vipers will feast on your dead eyes.”

Situation 3:

In the first five minutes of a large online guaranteed poker tournament on Full Tilt, the player to your right has gone all-in six times.

In the big blind, you find 88. When he pushes all-in, you call and he shows K3. He doesn’t improve and you double up.

He types:

“Donky. LOL call allin with eights.”

You write back.

A. “I would have called you looser than that with all that shoving. Do you realize what table image is? I’m surprised you were holding as good as a naked King. If you push in again and again and again, somebody is going to look you up you duck ^@#!#@.”

B. “Your an idiot if you think anybody here gave you credit for a hand. Think about it.”

C. Nothing.

D. “Wanted to gamboool, srry.”

E. “I am as pitiless as I am powerful. You will beg for years for a mercy that will never come.”

Situation 4:

A full ring online $1/$2 PLO cash game. You are dealt JdTd8c9c and make a pot-sized raise. Two players call and see a flop of:

8d7dAc

You check and the first caller makes a pot-sized bet. The second caller folds, and you re-raise. Your opponent reraises all-in and you call. The turn is the 2s and the river is the 3s. You opponent shows QhQs4d3h and takes the pot.

You type:

A. “OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. You thought QUEENS were worth all the chips there? Do you realize how many outs you had to dodge? Did you CONSIDER for even a MOMENT I might have the Ace? ARE YOU AWARE OF WHAT A DOG YOU WERE IN THAT HAND??? OMG. How did you win? An overpair is NOTHING in PLO, NOTHING. I had seven hundred thousand outs and you just STUMBLE into the pot like you’re FORREST $*&^@Q^@( GUMP????? Stop playing PLO. Stop right now! Just stop! Just stop! AAAAAAAEEEEEEIEEEEEEIIIII!!!!!”

B. “You’re going to be a big loser at PLO if you keep overplaying those pocket pair as if this were hold ‘em, buddy.”

C. Nothing.

D. “Wait, why did I get four cards?”

E. “Soon I will rule the universe, and you and your entire family will be my cattle, you swine.”

* * * * * * * * * * * *
END OF DONKEY QUIZ

SCROLL DOWN FOR SCORING INSTRUCTIONS

* * * * * * * * * * * *

SCORING

OK, give yourself 4 points for every “A” answer, 3 points for every “B” answer, 2 points for every “C” answer, 1 point for every “D” answer, and 0 points for every “E” answer.

Then, add them up. Use a calculator if necessary.

* * * * * * * *

RESULTS

20 – 16. You have displayed your mastery of poker concepts, both basic and advanced, to the entire table, correctly informing all of your opponents of the proper move to make in all circumstances that have arisen. Most players at your table are likely improved as a result of your tutelage. You are a total donkey.

15-11. You occasionaly misplay in tough spots, but are sound in the basics of the game and have made sure that anybody worse than you know it. Also, you’ve revealed more subtle and exploitable deficiencies in your play to the stronger players at the table. You are a total donkey.

10-6. You are a tough one to read. You are either a cagey player who is happy to sow the seeds of misinformation in order to give yourself an edge, ore else you are a total donkey. Oh what the hell, You are a total donkey.

5-0. You are Skelator. Or possibly Lex Luthor.

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Donkey Test

Related posts:

1. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Blogger Donkeys
2. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Tournament Director
3. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Stupid System Chaper 11

Enjoy

Stupid/System Chaper 11: Atypical Poker Tournaments

Not all tournaments are created equal. This may come as a surprise to some of you that haven’t been playing Texas No Limit Hold Them for as long as I have (since 2005), but it is true. I mean, sure, yes, you may well be familiar with the typical, meat-and-potatoes garden-variety online poker tournament, where the leisurely fifteen-minute blinds and the 1500 starting chips allow for lots of advanced play (like the min. raise, the triple check-call, and the early position limp). It’s quite possible, I admit. Oh yes. I admit it.

But did you know that there were a whole other variety of tournaments out there for you to sink your fangs into, if you are a wolfman, or possibly Dracula? Even if you don’t have fangs, you can still easily play any number of tournaments whose differences from the norm result in novel changes to structure and optimal strategy in this game we love. [1]

What are these types? You know, I was hoping you’d ask me that. Let me go read some poker books, and then I’ll tell you.

OK, I’m back. Here is a complete listing of the atypical tournament types, along with a few notes for optimal play.

The Turbo. This is a hold ‘em tournament in which the blind levels go up much faster. In fact, every five seconds, somewhere in this country, a blind level is going up — a sobering statistic unless you are drunk on tequila, in which case God bless you. Have you ever been at a tournament, bored and wishing that you could be in that magic part of the tourney in which you might plausibly call off all your chips with Ace-rag without being called a bad name? Good news! This tournament starts there. A lot of people disparage turbos, saying that they are nothing but coin flips, but the truth is that if you are a top player, you can use your edge to lose a lot of money really quickly. Optimal play: A lot of people will recommend that you do something called “opening up your range” [2]. That’s fine, but my recommendation to you is probably a little different than that. I think that, given how quickly you see people bust out of these things, you’d do a lot better to just fold every single hand and try to see if you can squeeze into the money by doing nothing. As I write this, I’m furiously buying in to hundreds, if not thousands, of turbo tournaments, and then just closing the window. I’ll just let those tables do my earning FOR me. It’s flawless. Get in on this!

The Rebuy. In most hold ‘em tournaments, if you lose your chips, you’re done. In a rebuy, it’s quite the opposite. You can just buy right back in! This is an awesome thing. What this basically means is that a rebuy becomes an endurance competition much like that found in Stephen Kings novella The Long Walk, since the only reason to stop playing is if you get too tired to go on or run out of money. When these things get heads-up, they can go on FOREVER since there is a lot of money on the line. [3] Many times these matches are only resolved when one of the players dies from hunger. Optimal play: Obviously, I would bring some Red Bull, a sandwich, and something to relieve myself in. Also, clear your calendar for a few months.

Short-Handed. This is a hold ‘em tournament for dwarves. Those stubby little fingers need specially-sized chips. Optimal play: First, be a dwarf. Then, master hold ‘em. After that, this should be pretty easy.

The Satellite.. This is a tournament where the prizes are not cash, but rather entry into a larger tournament. It’s a cheaper way to try to get into one of the large buy-in tournaments. Optimal play: All in every hand. Scare people. Yell while you do it, this might help.

The Matrix. In this kind of hold ‘em poker tournament, you have to learn to become absolute master of your surroundings before grim men in matching suits and sunglasses come and shoot you into raspberry jelly. Then you learn to fly and the next two movies just absolutely suck. [4] Optimal play: The first thing to realize is that the world around you is an illusion. Then, become aware that there is no spoon. Then I’d probably use a lot of aggression near the bubble.

The H.O.R.S.E. This is a hold ‘em tournament that isn’t even hold ‘em. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I’d use the horse to ride right out of Dodge. Sometimes the best hand doesn’t even win, and this isn’t even Ultimate Bet. Optimal play: Are you kidding me? This isn’t even Hold ‘Em! WHY WOULD YOU PLAY THIS? ARE YOU MENTALLY ILL?

The Knockout. This is a hold ‘em tournament where you get a little bit of money every time you knock somebody out of the event. I’ve tried petitioning to collect the bounty on myself many times, to no avail. That’s just a travesty. I mean, if I call all in on the river with nine-high and nothing else, who should get the credit? Me or the other guy? It’s discrimination against call-tards, I tells you. Optimal play: Take any chance, no matter how statistically improbable, to bust somebody. The bounty pretty much means you’re priced in. Remember, tournament chips just represent fake money, but a bounty is REAL money.

The Mookie. This is just like a hold ‘em tournament, but Ace Jack never loses. Optimal play: Don’t know about you, but I’d really play Ace Jack like a LOT.

The Shootout. This is a poker tournament that is played heads-up all the way through. I don’t need to tell you that this is fantastic, since your goal in an MTT is to get heads-up, and you’re already there. Frankly, I don’t know why anybody plays anything else. You’re guaranteed second place money, and that’s the worst-case scenario.

The Fiesta Bowl. This is a hold ‘em tournament where everybody plays until somebody has all the chips, and then two first place prizes are assigned. One is determined by a computer algorithm that takes into account such details as your performance in other unrelated tournaments, your shoe size, lifetime bass fishing results, and ability to swim. The other is just a vote by the rail and other poker writers. After that, corporate sponsors get all the money. Optimal play: I’d try for the votes. Just really be a popular guy. Nobody knows what on earth that computer program is doing.

The “Live” Tournament Poker isn’t just a game that’s played on the internet anymore! It’s popularity can really be tracked by the number of “live” tournaments that have sprung up in recent years, which allow the players to actually face each other in real life and use real chips just like the ones you see represented by pixels online! There are a number of complexities to this, but most people agree that it is really nice not to have a chat box at the final table. Will “live” poker last, or just be another passing poker fad, like hologram sunglasses or Jamie Gold? Only time will tell. Optimal play: Don’t look for the slidebar when you are making a bet. This is known as a “tell”. Also, in live poker, it is considered a bad idea to offer to fight somebody who has just won a pot off of you, unless you are bigger than them.

The Short-Handed Knockout Turbo Rebuy. This is illegal according to the Geneva convention, because the only reason for it to exist is to screen a nation’s citizens. Anybody who signs up for this is fit only to be sent across live minefields to “clear” them for the army. That’s why “sappers” uses the root word “sap”, by the way. It’s knowing little facts like this that ensure that I continue to make the big [5] bucks. Optimal play: I would dodge and weave a lot while crossing the mine field, and keep your distance from everybody else.

Now that you know all of the varieties that are available to you, what are you waiting for? Try them all! Get the commemorative plates!

* * * * * * *

ENDNOTES

[1] Poker.
[2] This is an old Texas term, meaning “get more head of cattle.”
[3] Poker trivia: The first WSOP Main Event was a rebuy that started in 1970, and is still going on between the estates of the players involved.
[4] Seriously, what the hell was that? Those were the satires of the original, right? They wasn’t the true sequels, right?
[5] Medium.

Stupid/System by Julius_Goat
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 6: Addendum
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Guest Post – Julius Goat – Stupid System Chaper 11

Related posts:

1. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Stupid/System Chapter 12
2. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Focus
3. Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Donkey Test

Enjoy and we’ll see you on the other side of debauchery.

Are Bloggers Donkeys?
by Julius_Goat

“Go, and never darken my towels again.”
-Groucho.

I’m going to give everybody out there in Bloggyland a tip.

Play me in coinflip situations. You will win. That is all.

And now, the nub of my gist. The crux of my rubric. The friggin’ point of this post. The question before us is:

Are bloggers donkeys? Wait! Don’t hollar ‘YES’ so quickly! The question, by the way, is not: “Am I, Julius_Goat a donkey?” That’s been made pretty clear. Like, with abundance and stuff.

See, there seems to be an occasional sniff of a rumor, floating among the tubes or the nets or whatever they make this I-N-ternet out of, that bloggers are the donkingest donks to ever give the hee a haw. Diggity donkiddy doo, yeah? Dang.

I don’t know. That’s not my impression. Here’s what I mean.

____________

don·key [dong-kee, dawng-, duhng-] 1. the domestic ass, Equus asinus. 2. a woodworking apparatus consisting of a clamping frame and saw, used for cutting marquetry veneers. 3. an individual who can’t fold Aces in a multi-way pot on a four to the straight flush board, doesn’t know how many outs he has at any time, eats boogers with glee, and wouldn’t recognize the concept of ‘M’ if it were pointed out to them on an Etch-a-Sketch.

____________

The donkey is the glue of the poker world. By which I mean, they suck, they are destroyed, and then they are made into glue. Then we buy the glue with the money we won from them.

This metaphor has broken down. I will try again.

Here’s my premise. Bloggers are not necessarily top players. But they aren’t donkeys.

Now . . .I think there is no question that there are some players that are highly skilled, much more so than the rest of the pack. And no doubt there are some real honkey blonkey donk donk donkeys among our ranks. However, I really think that by and large bloggers tend to be more thoughtful players, and a step above your average online nutbag.

Again, there are a few of us who are on a different level than the rest of us. They’re really really really good. Now, we might all disagree about who those individuals are. But there it is, and it’s true, largely because I said it. Some of the bloggers are top-level players. They are in the top 10% of any given MTT. No names (and certainly not me), but that’s the premise.

Some are top flight players, or at least upper percentile. Most aren’t. Some might get there. Many never will. Or never can.

But . . .donkeys? Really? The hayseed of horses? The animal not even fit to be made into hamburger? Say it ain’t so.

Bloggers, on the whole, tend to be a generally intelligent, literary, and introspective group. They tend to be readers of books. They tend to be a little (a little?) obsessive. Hence, blogs dedicated to poker, which is at least as weird as a sweater on a Corgi.

These traits tend to allow for more intelligent and thought-out play, and for the kinds of disciplined thought patterns that lead to improvement. I’d say your average blogger is in the top 50% of most MTT fields, though perhaps that shifts a bit down the scale as the buy-in increases. But top 50% sounds about right, especially when you consider the total buffoons you tend to run across on any given table. Let’s put the average blogger skill range in the 45th to 75th percentile of a typical MTT or ring game.*

Some may dip further. But precious few drop into the sub-30th percentile, I think. And that, my friends, is where the donkeys dwell. Hee-Haw is not just a mercifully cancelled TV variety hour in that land. It is a dark and horrible place, full of rebuys and blind stabs at huge pots with min raises and broken draws. It’s where chips go to die. It’s the reason Hevad Khan is like that. He multi-tabled 70 SNG at once and took a unblinking look right into the Lovecraftian maw of madness. Now look at him.

Here’s how I see it: I played the Daily Double last Friday while playing Katitude’s Donkament. The play was less Donkey-ish at the Donkament. The freakin’ Donkament! $1 rebuy with bloggers playing bad on PURPOSE had better play than the Friday daily double.

I mean . . . have you been playing lately? Good grief. Getting your chips in with the best of it isn’t hard (winning with the best of it is sometimes another matter). It’s not even easy. It’s whatever is easier than easy. Most bloggers I at least give credit for some thought process and basic Hold ‘Em theory. A pulse. The ability to add. Thumbs. Stuff like that.

Not that I mind those mullet-heads at my table.

You know why?

Because I can dodge mullets, baby.

* A fellow blogger who can remain nameless until they decide to claim credit talked me out of making these numbers far higher. This is probably closer to the truth. I just made up those numbers, it’s true. Pulled them right out of the air. But 87% of all people make up 72% of the time. Ninety percent of all Americans know that.

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Guest Post – Julius Goat – Blogger Donkeys

Related posts:

1. Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Donkey Test
2. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Stupid/System Chapter 12
3. Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Goatttt Challenge

I’ve never employed this strategy but I’m pretty sure the “Moonwalking Bear” move is something even your top pros would never see coming. I’m still finding it tough to believe that Julius_Goat has never won a MTT in his career after reading his post. There is plenty more after the jump.

Sharpening your focus or How the Moonwalking Bear improved my game
by Julius Goat

You know how it is. You’re playing a long tournament, and your mind is wandering. You have the latest South Park open (hilarious). Every so often, the poker client screen flickers to the front and you make a quick decision, based on increasingly limited information. Fold. Fold. Call, fold. Cartman. Raise. Fold. Do you know who is aggressive at your table? Who is tight? What does it matter? You’ve been here before. If you get a nice size stack, you’ll pay attention. But for some reason, you just haven’t been getting that big stack lately . . .

That’s right. You’ve lost focus.

I’ve been trying something lately. It’s been helping. The results have been good, but results in MTT are deceptive. No, it’s been helping my mindset. Perhaps it will help yours, as well. One can only hope, and, after all, I’m here to help.

I have the recipe for you now. Here’s what you do.

Ready?

OK, first, you are going to want to take $26 or a level-one token. A token is good for bankroll management, so do that. I recommend one of those $6.50 + $0.40 four seat heads-up shootouts. Very winnable, most players are in a hurry to lose the filter end of their bankroll or just like to overshove.

Next, sign up for one of the fine guarantee tournaments running nightly on Full Tilt. There’s a $28K at ten PM. If you need to wake up in the morning, there’s a $32K happening two hours earlier. If you are a vampire, or a cop on a stakeout, or something, they run at 11:00 PM and 1:00 AM, as well. You’ll figure it out; I know you will.

Now, some good music. No, I said good. Put the Clay Aiken CD down. Damn.

Now, go get your chips, the ones from your home game, and make yourself a stack while you play. I’m serious. Use the colors you like. Remember that these are double-stacks for more play, so you have to make it to T3000. For me, it’s ten whites worth T10 each for T100, eight blue worth T50 each for T400, ten red worth T100 each for T1000 and three greenies worth T500 each for T1500.

You’ve got your stack. Use the rest of your chips to build pots from the blinds, antes, and bets of your opponents.

Do you feel silly? Well, if you don’t, you will. Remember, you are going to want to build the pot as your opponents bet. So you’re slinging ALL of the chips while maintaining your stack. Wait until you are trying to build a pot as the virtual raises and reraises start happening. “Silly” doesn’t start to describe it. But do it, I’m telling you. Do it if you have the slightest problems with concentration.

Here’s why.

1) Tangibility. In the online world, these chips just kind of show up out of nowhere when you bet them, and then they go back to nowhere once they’re won. You don’t have any physical representation of what your bets mean to your overall stack. Yes, you can do the simple arithmetic, but consider it. Arithmetic activates the abstract centers of your brain. There is a big difference between figuring out when the train that left St. Louis going 45 mph and the train that left Chicago going 55 mph and being on one of the trains that is about to have a 100 mph collision, if you know what I mean.

Chips are real. They exist. If you bet one, it leaves your stack, and you feel that loss. If you win and your stack grows, you can visibly see that growth.

2) Deep Thought. The time it takes to make the pot and count out your chips? That’s time you can spend deciding if that is really the course of action that you want to take. Maybe firing a third bullet with air isn’t actually the best move for your tournament. What is this player like? How often has he been raising? Has he showed down before? He limped in middle position, has he done that before? You’ve been paying attention, I know, because every time he makes a move, you’re reaching for pot-building chips.

3) Math. Do this: Whenever the blinds go up, calculate the starting pot and count it out in chips. Have a few “starting pots” set aside, the better to quickly start pot-building. You’ll immediately become aware of such fundamentals as how much is riding on every hand, what your M value is, how that min. raise really does beg for a call. Count out those starting-pot chips and notice, when this level-up occurs, what an enormous effect adding antes makes. Not all level increases are equal, are they? Consider what adjustments you’ll want to make based on that information. You’re going to be quickly calculating what’s in the pot, and thinking about what you are betting relative to what your stack size is.

4) Tells. I’ve been thinking a lot about this one lately. There are all kinds of timing tells. Most of them involve acting very quickly. For example, in an instance when you know that your opponent needs to shove on any flop, there is a slight but significant difference between the time they instantly do this and the time that they pause for a while. The insta-shove means? Well, they could have hit the flop of course, or they could just have a big pocket pair. But you know they have to go all-in here, and the immediate push makes it just that much more likely that it is just a move. You are that much safer calling with your AK unimproved, or your third pair. The expected decision is often the quickly-made decision. But if there is a pause? Well, it could mean nothing but a pause, just a little Hollywood to induce doubt. Nevertheless, it becomes harder to ‘read’. Click timing really is used to read actions by many players. The more ambiguity you can introduce, the better.

The great thing is they are almost entirely unlikely to guess that you are pausing because you are counting out real chips. Which means that the pauses you introduce are spreading actual misinformation. Watch this:

See, when you pause, your opponent is going to think about it (unless they aren’t paying attention either, but hey, that’s fine, too, right?). And they’ll guess wrong. They think your pause could mean A or B or maybe C. But they’re wrong; it’s none of those things. It’s Moonwalking Bear.

Anytime you can in poker, introduce the moonwalking bear.

5) Experience. If you are like me, you aspire to someday play in a big live tournament, but you have almost exclusively online experience. Do you really want the WSOP Main Event to be the first time you are working out pot sizes by eyeballing a bunch of chips? They don’t have an option that puts a little caption next to a stack in live play, you know. Get used to handling chips alone if you are thinking about doing it in public.

6) Fun. Mileage may vary, but what’s more fun than winning a pot and actually scooping it? Come one, get with me.

Post from: Poker From The Rail

Guest Post – Julius Goat – Focus

Related posts:

1. Guest Post – Julius Goat – The Donkey Test
2. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Blogger Donkeys
3. Guest Post – Julius Goat – Stupid System Chaper 11