But wait, before I rant too hard or too long on this subject, let’s take a look at what the show is really about. According the official press release, All In is a “fast paced, witty, very sexy, and fun show about the final nine players at the World Series of Poker who are real people from all walks of life.” Sounds thrilling so far, doesn’t it?

The release goes on to state that the show’s “clearly identifiable characters sing songs that are chock full of double entendres, poker analogies, quotes, lingo, and suggestive situations.” Oooh… reserve my seats now. Front row center, please, because I want to be as close to the rail as possible.

So, without any idea of what the actual script or on-stage production may look like, here’s a little of what I’m expecting:

• The “easily identifiable characters” will be ankle deep caricatures of some of the game’s most colorful players like “The Poker Punk” (Hellmuth), “Pammie Knight” (Duke), “Jehovah” (Ferguson), and more
• A pivotal, dramatic moment will occur when the Poker Punk crashes his motorcycle after staging a self-promotional exhibition that features him jumping over Humberto “The Chark” Brenes
• Musical highlights will include Knight’s big solo, “I’m Holding (Your) Nuts” and the closing number, “It’s All Over, Baby” featuring the Scotty Nguyen dancers

Honestly though, if there’s one thing the poker world doesn’t need right now, it’s a musical. I mean really, does anyone think that this is going to convince anyone to take poker players more seriously? Is this really the image the game wants to be sending when there’s still political fighting over the UIGEA going on in Washington and 60 Minutes cameras are filming at the Rio? Personally, I don’t think so.

As far as I can tell, this is nothing more than another ploy for Caesars, Hellmuth and everyone else involved to try and cash in on the four-month final table delay they’ve instituted for this year’s Main Event Final table. Come on, can’t you see the marketing now?

Why wait for November to see how the final table plays out? Visit the Rio Hotel in Vegas this fall to experience all of the highs, lows, and drama of the final table while enjoying a nice 32oz Porterhouse from our exclusive Poker Kitchen. Experience it all for just $59.95.

Look, I’m all for improving poker’s image and expanding the game’s base to as many potential players as possible, but I just don’t think a poker musical is gonna do the job. Who aside from the most dedicated poker-tards would even be interested in such a thing? What makes the producers think that anyone who isn’t already remotely interested in the game is going to understand the quotes and lingo they so proudly tout as an integral part of the show?

Maybe I’m wrong, but my guess is that the millions of dollars that have been sunk into this (Hellmuth wouldn’t be involved in a “cheap” production) could be better spent on something worthwhile like supporting the PPA or attracting a better class of working girl to the Rio for the Main Event. You know… something real poker players would appreciate.

What are your thoughts on physically getting in shape as related to making you a better poker player?

I read or hear about so many people working out so that they can play better poker. I think that’s a load of BS. Are they trying to brag about the fact that they work out? I don’t know – I really just don’t get it. I think that if I’m going to try to “train” myself to sit still at a poker table for eight straight hours, the last thing that I’m going to be doing is running around a track. I think that better training would be lying in bed and watching TV.

Speaking of TV, what’s your take on poker television as it relates to playing or improving your game?

You don’t learn how to play poker by watching poker shows. In fact, you probably learn how not to play poker by watching poker shows. It’s entertainment. The only way you learn to play poker is by actually sitting at the table. By watching these shows, you can develop some imagination and it might teach you a few things. But at best, it teaches you as many bad things as it does good. That’s primarily because you have to know the context for the moves that a given player is making in a given situation. TV just doesn’t do that. You only learn and improve by playing a lot of cards and a lot of hands.

Do you think that there is such a thing as a “poker personality” that might give someone an edge as a player?

(Laughing)There are a lot of poker personalities. Actually, I think that someone who has a “poker personality” is someone who can accept and deal with failure and rebound from it. No matter how good you are, you’re going to have times when you fail. How you deal with that is directly related to how well you will do in the future. You just have to be prepared to deal with it. Strangely enough, I see people out there who aren’t prepared to deal with failure. Some poker players who aren’t able to deal with it still do okay, but I think that it’s difficult for them. Those people are tortured and it’s horrible for them emotionally. They’re much more likely to go on tilt and much more likely to be unstable and play badly.

What do you do to avoid going on tilt?

I don’t have to avoid it. Let me put it this way: I have no advantage going on tilt, so why would I do it? That’s my approach. I don’t see what advantage it gives me so I just don’t do it. Honestly, I really don’t understand why people do. Maybe, once in a blue moon, I might think “wow, that’s really horrible – I feel terrible about that.” But it doesn’t mean that I’m going to play the next hand badly. When that next hand comes along, I’m going to play it the best that I possibly can. I guess that I’m the wrong guy to ask – you’d have to ask someone who does go on tilt to get a better picture of it. It’s just something I don’t understand. Taking a beat without tilting is simple: you just don’t do it.

What do you think about playing against, or more to the point, taking money from people on tilt?

I really don’t like taking money from people on tilt. I like taking money from the best players in the world. First of all, there’s a different mindset for some players: they like taking money from anyone. I think that when you’re playing live action it’s kind of distasteful to figure out how to beat a guy and then sit there taking money from him hour after hour. I just don’t enjoy that. On the other hand, if they enter a tournament, then they’ve put their money in and it’s no longer theirs. In that case, I’m playing to win.

What happens to the money in my account if I die? And more to the point, what if I die in the middle of a hand?

There’s nothing like a morbid question to start the day off right. Now, I’ve been accused by some of my colleagues of being overly sarcastic in answering some of these questions, so I’m going to try and answer this question without a hint of sarcasm.

What would happen if you died mid-hand? Who gives a crap? You’re already dead. If you journey on to the afterlife and are worried about what happened in the last hand of poker you were playing, this is a sign that your priorities are just slightly out of whack. I’m of the mindset that there are very few things in this life that take precedence over poker, but death is probably on that short list. Other things more important than poker: having a nice pint of the black stuff everyday after work, making sure you put on a clean pair of skivvies each morning (unless you’re like The Captain and prefer to go Commando), putting a bib on The All-In-Uit to collect the drool anytime she’s looking at a picture of Patrik Antonius, and remembering to switch out Big Donkey’s vitamin collection with the appropriate anti-depressants so he doesn’t lose that happy feeling he’s had going for him lately.

As for what actually happens to the money in your account if you die, I’m not too sure on that one. I’m going to assume it involves a fair amount of legal-ese and somehow winds up getting passed on to your family. You know, cause we’re nice like that.

So I was absolutely pwning a $.25/$.50 NL table the other night when I realized it was actually a play money table. Is there anyway I can get my winnings turned into real money?

(Shaking head vigorously.)

I registered for a tourney the other night that I thought was No-Limit, but it turned out to be a Limit tourney. Can I have my money back?

(Quietly sobbing.) 

I just noticed that FTOPS VIII is coming soon. Are you planning on playing in any events?

Ah, it feels good to have a question I can answer with a straight face. As of this moment, I’m trying my best to follow Chris Ferguson’s bankroll management rules, which means no buying into any MTTs for more than 2% of my total bankroll. Needless to say, it looks like I’ll have to stick with the $1 donkaments for a while longer. I will be trying my best to satellite into a few of the FTOPS events, but with the implementation of T$s on the site I’m more likely to unregister from any tourney I win an entry to than actually play in it.

With all that said, here are a few of the events I’d love to play in if they started paying me in Canadian Dollars rather than Pesos. Put me on the list for Events #9, #11, #16, #21, and the Main Event. And yes, if you noticed that all of these events have at least $1 million in guaranteed prize money, you win a prize (editor’s note: no prizes will be given, One Angry Monkey must be drunk again). I’d also love to play in Event #14, a turbo NL Hold ‘em tourney hosted by Mandy B, if only for the possibility that I’d end up at the same table as her and be able to serenade her with my rendition of “Oh Mandy.” Barry Manilow ain’t got nothing on me – that guy is a freak and a very weird dude IMO…

Everything considered, these regulations are bad – the law is just bad and it doesn’t work. The fact that the UIGEA is so ambiguous has really complicated things. One of the recent big issues has been the involvement of financial institutions in enforcing current regulations. What they’re asking the banks to do is to look at every single state and determine whether their laws against online gaming apply to poker. This is a huge problem.

Some states specifically mention “games of chance.” Is poker a game of chance? Define game of chance. Other states look at whether a game is “subject to chance.” Well, poker is clearly subject to chance. And of course, some state laws state that playing poker online is illegal. For example, the state of Washington identifies poker specifically, and a couple of other states are pretty clear as well. Whether these laws are valid or not is yet another question. But in most states, playing Internet poker is clearly legal.

This is what’s causing an amazing amount of work and problems for the banks. At first, people thought “okay, this makes a lot of sense, let’s try to implement this law.” Then they realized that it couldn’t be implemented. It’s not only that the banks don’t want to do it – and of course they don’t want to – but that they’re right not to do it. And the government understands that the banks are right not to do it. They had several people testify that this was clearly an undue burden. I mean, why are we asking the general counsel of every financial institution to look at the laws of every single state and determine which transactions are legal and which transactions are illegal? That’s asking way too much. The banks clearly need assistance in determining which transactions should be blocked and which shouldn’t. Even that was talked about – it’s very difficult.

One point that was brought up and put to the people that were writing the regulations was whether or not they could just put together a list of people or sites – like sports betting sites – that you can’t do business with or can’t send money to. The answer was clearly no. Basically, the way the law was written, it was intended to prevent transactions meant for illegal wagering.

Say that there’s a site out there that has both legal and illegal wagering, and maybe sell t-shirts at the same time. If this site was blacklisted because it offered illegal wagering, there would be no transactions allowed at all. The problem is that we don’t know if a customer wants to deposit money for illegal wagering or just wants to buy a t-shirt. Since the law doesn’t say “don’t do business with companies that offer illegal wagering,” they can’t legally blacklist a company that does. What the current law clearly says is that it’s illegal to allow transfers that will be used for illegal wagering. Obviously, it gets more complicated from there. Under the current law, there is no solution that’s not going to continue to overcomplicate this and cause even more problems.

Basically, the law got taken apart in every possible way. The bill – the UIGEA – got lambasted. As far as we’re concerned, we’d love it if poker were understood as a game of skill and therefore was not identified under the UIGEA as illegal. In my opinion, it shouldn’t be. In fact, when I was in Washington just over a year ago at one of the hearings, they had someone from the justice department who actually had to admit that there is no federal law against playing poker online.

What we need is a carve-out specifically for poker. As a best case, we’re hoping that the law is repealed. Barney Frank’s bill would repeal the law and then tax and regulate Internet poker, which is really what we’re looking for.

This will still probably take a little bit over a year – maybe even a year-and-a-half or something like that. Hopefully, we don’t get any surprises in the meantime. Things don’t work fast enough, and it may take time to undo, but I think it’s going to happen. In the end, it will be good for everybody.

When I see the huge winnings that the top pros take home, consistently taking down big tournaments, I am jealous and amazed by their success. But then it occurred to me that these same pros that take down the big paydays also play in just about every big tournament out there - so they have a pretty large buy-in investment for the overall percentage of tourneys that they win. Are any of them willing to divulge their overall profit? How much do they really take home after paying for all the buy-ins for tournaments they don't win?

I think it all depends on the player. When Phil Ivey wins an event for a cool $1.5 million, it probably doesn’t mean that much to him. Sure, it’ll cover the rest of his tourney buy-ins for the year and some insane golf prop bets ($500K on who can hit the longest Happy Gilmore style drive, anyone?). But I’m going to guess that Ivey makes most of his money through the cash games, and the tourney stuff just doesn’t mean that much to him. I’m not saying he’s not happy to win a million bucks all at one time and get the attention and accolades that come with winning a tourney, it’s just not the be all end all to him. And paying for however many $10K buy-in tourneys is not going to do much damage to his overall profit.

A midlevel tourney player is a different story. They grind it out on the circuit and probably need a good percentage of their winnings to keep on playing (and paying for travel/hotel expenses and so on). What their overall profit is – well, I have no idea. I assume there has to be some money in it for them or they couldn’t keep doing what they do.

To summarize (somebody please stop my windbaggery): big time pro = life is good, midlevel pro = life sucks. Now stop asking me questions that I have no idea how to answer and go back to your $5 donkaments.

Recent poker strategy pretty consistently states that to deal with today's hyper-aggressive players, one must become more aggressive themselves. This is probably true for tournament play, with its ever increasing blind structures. However, poker strategists rarely discuss how to deal with hyper-aggressive players in cash games. Wouldn't it make more sense to tighten up even more? And please don't give me the non-sense about changing it up or knowing your opponent. Each situation is not different because I'm not that good. I want a strategy that I can rely on to the death of my bankroll.

I feel like that guy in that one movie where people keep asking him questions that he has no idea about and then his head explodes. You know what I’m talking about, right? It stars that guy, from that thing. Anyway…

In my humble opinion (humble being slang for not knowing a god-damn thing), I think the best strategy for dealing with hyper-aggressive players in cash games is a two-step process. First, you really have to know your opponent. Is he a hyper-aggressive maniac who will play every hand to the river regardless of what he holds? Or is he smart with his aggressive play and willing to give up when he knows that he’s facing certain defeat? Once you’ve figured that out, it all depends on what the situation is. You’ve got to change it up from hand to hand – if you have the nuts, let the aggressive bastard think he’s in control of the betting and then drown him on the river. If you’re trying to bluff (or even just semi-bluff) him, good luck. You better grab your balls and make sure your cajones are bigger than his.

And yes, this whole answer was just an excuse for me to say cajones. I feel so much better now.

Why do I suck at poker?

Excellent question sir (or madam, perhaps – unlikely, but you never know). I don’t know you at all, but I know this question like Gobboboy knows bacon sushi. Here’s why I suck at poker, maybe you can identify with some of my problems:

• I can’t do the math. At all. And it’s not like I can’t do it fast enough in my head, it’s that I honestly can’t perform the rudimentary functions of this alien language called mathematics in the slightest. Which doesn’t necessarily mean I automatically suck at poker, because a lot of very good players don’t rely on math, they rely on instinct. But this leads me to point number two…
• My instincts are worse than that girl who decided to leave her baby in the dumpster so she could attend her prom. Well, not that bad, but you get the point. I have an uncanny knack for either getting my money in bad or not getting paid off when I actually have the best hand. It’s really quite frustrating – and you wonder why I spend so much of my time crying in the corner.
• Last, but not least, my bankroll management skills leave something to be desired. The more I lose, the more I want to play at bigger stakes. I just got raped playing at the $.25/$.50 NL table, so that must mean it’s time to go up to $1/$2, right? Chris Ferguson is probably praying for my soul at this very moment. I’m sorry Jesus − please forgive me?

These are just a few of the reasons that I suck at poker. Sound familiar to anyone else? I have the feeling I’m not alone here. Now back to my corner for a good crying jag…

“I realize what I did was unethical, as well as really stupid. I would like to apologize to Full Tilt Poker, and anyone else who was deceived by my actions. I have learned my lesson and I hope other prominent players and pros will learn from this as well. Again, I am sorry for my actions and hope that I will one day be forgiven.”

That’s it. There really isn’t anything to be too passionate about when you look at it for what it is. Yet some people are. Of these, I get a laugh out of the ones that have commented about his being “singled out” and that there are loads of other players doing the same thing. This boils down to the classic “but everyone else was doing it” defense. Allow me to illustrate:

I got stopped by a statey one time out on a wide-open stretch of I-70 for going a bit over the speed limit. Several people had blown past me only minutes before I got nabbed, but I got nailed. Of course, I politely asked the good trooper about this. He just smiled at me and told me that he was sure that there were plenty of people driving above the posted speed limit, but “you’re the one I stopped this time – please press firmly, there are three copies. Thank you. Drive safely.”

I didn’t like this a bit. In fact, I thought it was bullshit. But, as much as it sucked, I knew he was right. What could I say – that everyone else was doing it? Tough shit. “Everyone else” wasn’t speeding and of those who were, I got caught. I wasn’t used to “make an example,” I was just called out for breaking a rule. Jon broke a rule and was sanctioned for his actions. End of story.

Does this incident make him a “bad guy?” That’s not for me to say. Jon’s clearly demonstrated that he’s a talented poker player, and he’ll probably continue to do well if he keeps after it.

What does make him look like a jack-ass is posting a snide commentary about an opponent after a tournament defeat. Shortly after he was knocked out of the Heads-Up Championship by Chris Ferguson, Jon posted this gem about Chris’ reaction:

“He also got up and did one of those 100% classless celebrations with his few fans, which I didn’t appreciate at all.”

Jabbing at an opponent after a loss – let alone someone of Ferguson’s caliber – shows a marked lack of class. What’s more, coming from a “Ship it Holla Balla,” this is laughable. In fact, I’ll call that a 100% classless cheap shot, junior. Wind your neck in and work on establishing a reputation like Chris’ instead of responding like a jealous child.

In parting, keep in mind that nobody fucks with the Jesus. Ship that, balla.

—The Captain

Sure, he doesn’t play a whole lot of tournament poker anymore and, with a cash game record like his, why would he? Still, when Ivey decides he wants to compete, there’s almost no one in the world who can stop him.

During the week, Phil didn’t play so much like a man possessed as much as he did a man in possession of all his faculties. He was aggressive, unrelenting, and well… he was Phil Frickin’ Ivey, damn it. We heard Hellmuth tried looking into Ivey’s soul and what he saw caused him to run from the table like a little girl. We don’t know for sure, but we’re hoping for confirmation soon.

What we do know is that after making a record eighth final table appearance at a WPT event, Phil finally walked away with a title and about $1.6 million in cold, hard cash that we’re sure will find its way back into the gambling economy sometime soon.

So, I had a conversation the other night where a friend was claiming that Chris Ferguson had to be the odds-on favorite heading into the final four of the National Heads-Up Championship. Chris has made the finals two of the past three years, my friend argued, and hell… he’s Jesus. You never bet against Jesus.

Now I’m a big fan of Chris. He’s a hell of a guy and a much better player than I’ll ever hope to be, but when you’re talking about him, Andy Bloch, Phil Ivey, and Huck Seed sitting down to play heads-up poker, how much of a favorite can he really be?

Yeah… I’m a moron.

Turns out, Chris is really that good and there’s a reason he’s made the final table so often. Apparently, there’s more than just luck to this game. In Chris’ case, there’s a shiny new title and $500K he can use to feed the poor, shelter the homeless, and buy a new Stetson.

Congratulations to Chris… I promise I’ll believe from now on.

We promised And More and damn it, we deliver. In true poker-shillery, we just want to make sure you, our loyal reader (there’s gotta be at least one of you, right?) knows about some of the cool new features available on Full Tilt Poker – the most awesome-est online poker site in the world.

So, the next time you log on for a game, be sure to check out things like:

• T$s
• Player notes in the main game and tournament lobbies
• Auto top-up in ring games
• The control your own “Doom Switch” setting*

That’s it from here…

*Postponed until future notice

Speaking of insane ramblings, we normally don’t give out the names of the readers who send in mail, but in this case we’ve been forced to make an exception. A reader who simply calls himself “The Chi” has been bombarding us unrelentingly with some of the worst – and honestly, frightening – questions that we’ve received to date. We’ve been avoiding posting any of his emails, but we can’t hold back any longer. Without further ado, this one’s for you Chi:

Why does Lee Watkinson hate me? Every time I play in a Full Tilt Points tourney or a low buy-in Sit & Go, there's Lee Watkinson. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten my chips in with AA, only to have Lee call me with AJ and hit like 5-of-a-kind Jacks. Leave me alone, Lee. It's time for you to move up a level.

Chi, Chi, Chi – where did it all go so horribly wrong for you? Did Daddy not love you enough when you were growing up? Maybe he loved you a little too much? Whatever the case may be, seek help.

As for Lee Watkinson, we can only assume he hates you because, well, everyone hates you. We’re sorry you may have been sucked out on a few times, but that’s poker baby. Get over it, Lee does not have it in for you.

As a side note: we’ve contacted Lee and advised him to get a restraining order against you. We can only assume that at this very moment you’re eating pancakes while devising some horribly devious plot against him. You have been fairly warned, now stop.

Have the odds in poker changed with the explosion of online players? Did I miss something in the last five or six years about online poker? Was there a book or a new commandment in the poker bible saying, “Thou shalt play any two face cards?” Please help me out. My bankroll, and more importantly, my poker sanity are at stake.

This email was originally a lot longer, but we had to chop it down due to the fact that we’re too lazy to copy and paste the entire rant. It was mostly about getting sucked out on and certain “set-up” hands where you’re ahead but know that you’re going to lose.

People, we’ve said this before and unfortunately we’re going to have to say it again – bad beats will happen. A lot. If you’re playing the game properly, you’re going to get sucked out on more than most of your opponents. There is no such thing as a “set-up” hand. The cards are going to fall as they may, and you’ll have to learn to live with that.

And no, the odds in poker have not changed with the explosion of online players. There has certainly been a more aggressive style of play born from the online boom, and that might mean you’re going to take a few more bad beats. Stop thinking about your short-term results in poker. The odds say that over the long term, if you play solid poker you’ll come out a winner. Don’t give up yet. (Please note that I am not a professional poker player. I’m not even a winning poker player. Take my advice at your own risk.)

Which game do I want to get into after I’ve outgrown play chips?

I posed this question to The Captain, who only recently moved from play money to the real thing. He told me what a horrible mistake that was, and he now has taken out a second mortgage on his boat.

So if you want to avoid this fate, I suggest reading Chris Ferguson’s tip on bankroll management. “Jesus” was able to miraculously turn $0 into $10,000, so he’d be the one to ask. The point of it all is to start slowly, and never reach beyond your means. Otherwise you might end up just like The Captain.

Keep the great emails coming (except you Chi, leave us alone for the love of God). We’ll chat again next week…

Please remember that this competition has absolutely nothing to do with poker or any true basis in reality. We’re just having a little fun over here. On to the fight:

So that’s that. Jesus takes down Ron Howard by a score of six to three. Considering the participants, it really wasn’t a fair fight from the get go. And for anyone who was offended by the Jesus references, we only have one question for you: why the hell are you reading a poker blog? Get a life. Maybe we’ll do the same someday…

What are their personal thoughts on what’s happening in the world of poker – or what’s happening in the world in general? What else do they do? What are they into? In short, what are they like?

In The Pros Speak, we chat with the pros and find out what’s going on in their lives, ask their opinions, and get to know a little bit about the individuals. We deliver the goods from the pros – in their own words.

Find out a little bit more about the lives of the pros away from the table. Serious, humorous, or deliberately irreverent, The Pros Speak will bring you a personal perspective that you won’t get anywhere else.

First up to the plate is Clonie Gowen. Clonie is recognized as one of the finest women in poker today, both at and away from the table. She’s a media sweetheart and gets a lot of coverage, but once you get past the tournament at hand or her spread in Maxim, what’s she really think of it all?

We were lucky enough to talk with Clonie about being on the road, time away from poker, and about anything that she was good enough to chat about. Here’s what she had to say:

What does “poker lifestyle” mean to you?

Making a living as a professional poker player, you spend most of your time on a plane and staying in hotels. Sure, when you travel the poker circuit you have friends which you have dinner with and go out with. But for the most part the lifestyle can make you miss out on the important things, like the family and friends you have back home. That said, I love my poker lifestyle, but I have the personality to handle it – a lot of people don’t. You can’t lose focus on having a life outside of poker. 

Does this mean that she plays poker just for fun sometimes?

When you are away from poker, what do you do to relax?

I love to spend time with my family and hang out with friends. Being outdoors is great – I hike and mountain bike and really enjoy working on my yard. When I am at home, my favorite place is my bedroom. I love it because it is mine. I can get away from everything and everyone, read a good book, or watch a great movie. As with most poker players, I am very comfortable with alone time. 

I admire different people for different things, but I usually base it on how I see them as a friend. I admire Chris Ferguson for the kind of person he is. I’ve never met a true professional who can hide his emotions so well, yet still be an all-around great, humble person. I admire Linda Johnson, Robert Williamson, Mike Sexton, Phil Gordon, Eric Sidel, Andy Bloch – the list could go on and on. Each of these people has a quality that I recognize in myself or I hope to find within myself someday. 

Could you tell us a couple of things about yourself that people probably don’t know?

I’m learning to speak German and I’m a certified scuba diver with over 60 dives to date. I could eat sushi almost everyday. And I played "Dungeons & Dragons" when I was a teenager.