The dilemma at hand is a common one for theologians – how should Christians approach current issues when all they have to guide them is a book that is thousands of years old? It would be a lot easier if Proverbs 31:6 simply said “Thou shalt not play poker for real money, and those who waste their time with play chips or who enjoy Razz shall perish in the fires of hell for all eternity.” Unfortunately (or rather more fortunately) all it says is “Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.”

But of course poker isn’t mentioned in the Bible, and gambling only scores a few obscure references. So it’s a little perplexing why there are so many Christians who are adamant that poker is a sin. Indeed a lot of the arguments are, well, thin to say the least – in this edition of Friday Fundamentalist Funnies, here are the top pearlers:

1) Gambling is stealing by consent, stealing is a sin

I would love to be able to say I made this up but sadly no. Last time I checked stealing by consent was actually termed giving – and according to every offering (cough Pastor’s BMW fund cough) encouragement sermon I’ve ever sat through, giving is good in the eyes of the Lord.

2) Gambling violates the Golden Rule – Love your neighbour as yourself

The logic here is that you wouldn’t want to lose money so you shouldn’t try and take money off other people. Well what about if I want to lose money? Some people spend money on entertainment by going to dinner and a movie, I choose instead to terrorize poor little nits in rebuy tournaments by going all in every hand and watching them cry in the chat box when they finally decide to call with their Aces and lose their allocated one buy-in to my 9-4 sooted. I relish crazy maniacs dumping money onto my table – it’s only fair that I get to return the favor.

3) Gambling is a wasteful use of the Lord’s money

People who use this argument obviously haven’t seen some of the Poker Tracker graphs floating around BBV. Can you imagine if my beloved Patrik Antonius followed this advice? Of course he doesn’t need to since he is God and therefore pwns all before him – let us all join the Church of Antonius.

Does Full Tilt have a screening process for player names? I’ve seen some pretty questionable names recently; please tell me there are limits to what people can use as screen names.

The corporate line goes a little something like this: of course there is a screening process for player names. Players will be asked to change their name if it’s too vulgar or obscene, but this is a site where you have to be 18 years of age to play so a little leniency will be granted. Basically, we’re willing to put our toes on the line of good taste, just not over it.

So go ahead and be creative with your player names – we’re all about having a good time here. Just don’t be the person who spoils the party by going too far. Sex and fart jokes are all well and good in the right context, but not in a public setting such as the one provided to you on Full Tilt Poker. Unless you’re me and all you have is sex and fart jokes, then it’s OK…

What the hell happened to Jerry Yang? That guy won like $8 million and then disappeared off the face of the planet.

Considering we’re talking about J-Yang here, I feel the need to answer this question in the form of a prayer:

Dear Lord Baby Jesus (as with all Jews, I feel more comfortable praying to Jesus in his baby form),

Thank you for showing us all last summer that you do indeed care about poker. Our brother Jerry Yang asked for your help in winning the Main Event, and you heeded his call. Now all players pray for their cards, especially when they need a runner-runner to hit their straight on the river and win the biggest tourney in the world. You are on the donkeys’ side, and we appreciate that. Now if you could permanently disable my doomswitch and legalize online poker in America, I’d love you forever. Some people say you’re just a figment of my imagination, but I’ve always believed in you Santa, er, Big Daddy Jesus…

On a serious note, I have no idea what the Yang-ster is up to these days. I do know that $8 million will buy you a whole lot of lottery tickets; maybe that boy will make a big score someday.

Please turn off my doomswitch. I don’t want to hear any excuses, just do it now and all will be forgiven.

I’ve heard much ado about nothing regarding this so called “doomswitch.” Apparently it’s some tool used by online poker sites to determine when your (poker) life should go down the drain. Once the doomswitch is turned on, you will immediately begin to run bad and there’s not a thing you can do to stop it. If you were Superman, then the doomswitch would be your kryptonite.

So I did a little investigating around the office to see if I could find this elusive switch of doom. Responses to my inquiries varied along the lines of “get a life” and “who are you again?” One person did say that he had the doomswitch locked away in his office, but he’s a big fat liar.

With all this evidence layed out before me, I could come to only one conclusion on the matter. The doomswitch probably isn’t really real in real life, but it is really real in our hearts and minds. We must all turn off the doomswitch within ourselves, and only then will we truly be at peace to play the most donky-troden, fish-tastic poker of our lives. Until next week…

All the big names were there – except for those who were still stuck at the LAPC final table; Harman, Lederer, Ferguson, Negreanu, Greenstein, Brunson… Yang? Yup, that’s right - Jerry Yang was gettin’ down with his bad self and partying with the big boys at Pure. I can just picture it now… Jerry with a double martini and a couple of 20-something blondes hanging off each arm… the Pimp Daddy of the party. Uh, no.

In fact, I have to wonder what he was doing at this gathering in the first place. Yeah, I know he’s the reigning WSOP Main Event Champion, but is that really enough to merit granting this poker peon one of the 64 seats at this weekend’s National Heads-Up Poker Championship? Personally, I don’t think so, but then again… I’m the Big Donkey.

Thankfully for Yang, he drew one of the softest match-ups possible for his first round return to the national stage in Las Vegas (he’s been conspicuously absent from the poker scene, if you haven’t noticed… oh wait… that’s why you haven’t noticed). Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah… the Preacher of Poker will sit down against the Godfather of the online poker revolution and the man who first proved that anyone can win a major title, Chris Moneymaker.

Sure, Chris hasn’t really done much since he first burst onto the scene a few years ago, but if I was a betting man (ahem), I’d be putting my money on Money to breeze through this first round match. Other players who I think will benefit from the luck of the draw in the first round include Andy Bloch, who should step all over dancing fool Shannon Elizabeth, Ted Forrest who should easily strike out former Dodger’s pitcher Orel Hershiser (?), and Phil Ivey who, even after staying up all night to claim his first WPT title at the LA Poker Classic, will easily outshine Alisha Kunze. Who?

As far as I’m concerned, the Diamonds bracket should be the most difficult and entertaining bracket of the year, with some amazing first-round pairings including David Pham vs. Brian Townsend, Barry Greenstein vs. Howard Lederer, and Erick Lindgren vs. Eli Elezra. Of course, this is also the most MILF-tastic bracket, with what will surely be the feature table on NBC’s coverage – Jennifer Tilly vs. Clonie Gowen.

Like many other poker-themed shows currently filling up the airwaves, the National Heads-Up Championship is a made-for-TV event, and that’s OK. Sure, the commentary may be insufferable and NBC will spend 10 minutes of every hour pimping their post-strike primetime programming, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be some great poker played by some of the game’s brightest stars. I mean where else can you watch grizzled Sam Grizzle take on the brash Jean-Robert Bellande or revel in the classic Vegas match-up that is sure to be Doyle Brunson vs. Sammy Farha?

What I really like about this event is that it really lets you see how the players’ personalities define their styles. When you watch Negreanu bounce around in his chair like a kid who missed his daily dose of Ritalin you quickly come to understand how he developed his hyper-aggressive style. The same goes for someone like Chris Ferguson, who’s on the complete other end of the spectrum. Jesus plays a slow, methodical game because he’s a methodical kind of guy. Personally, I’m never sure if I find it more entertaining when two similar players meet head-to-head or when you get huge style contrasts staring each other down across the table. Each scenario is dramatic, and each can lead to some amazing poker.

For a poker junkie, this is the definition of Must See TV, and I don’t plan on missing a single second of the coverage. So, break out your brackets and your beer and join me in front of the TV. I’m putting my money on John Juanda to win the whole thing. Any takers?